The Box
by abbymickey24
Summary: A tequila bottle, a shoebox of memories, a past you want to change.  Jasper has all three and has spent every Saturday for the last two years with them.  Little does he know that this one will be his last.  All human.
1. The Scientist

_**Disclaimer: I don't own. We all know this. If I did that scene in Eclipse with Jasper telling Bella of his past on the cliff edge would have been so different. In my version he'd of shoved Alice off and Bella would have offered her a Zippo to light her way down. **_

_**Okay here it is guys. My new one. For those of you who don't know this will be a short story. At only eight chapters plus an epilogue. It will also all be in Jasper's POV. **_

_**I hope you all enjoy it.**_

_**Also each chapter title will be a song. It may not make sense at first but once you read the chapter hopefully it will. I'll also be making a playlist for this story and put it in the end. **_

_**XXXXXXXXXX**_

_**June 2010**_

My name is Jasper Whitlock and I am, for lack of a better word, a broken man.

Just a few short years ago I was happy, having everything I could possibly want and thinking I always would. I had a beautiful girlfriend who was not only my best friend, but my other half. I had a career that made me tons of money. I had friends every where I turned and screaming fans behind them.

My life was perfect as far as I knew, but in reality I was blind to the fact that, while I may have been happy, the most important person in my life wasn't and I didn't realize it until it was to late.

What I realized after she was gone was that having her by my side was what made my life perfect, but without her nothing else mattered and so I did the only thing I could.

I let almost everything else go, the money and two friends being the only things that remained. I'd give those up too if meant she'd once again walk through my door.

But it's wishful thinking. I know I've lost her for good and while people tell me to move on and find some one else; I can't. She is it for me and always will be. She came into my life when I least expected her too and changed it for the better, no matter what it is now.

The ache I feel is a constant reminder of what I let slip away and I embrace it everyday. I think about her on a daily basis, wondering if she's happy and hoping she is because it's the only way I can function day to day.

And tonight, just like every other Saturday night that has gone by, with the help of a shoebox of memories, a tequila bottle, and music playing I go back to the very beginning.

Settling myself on the hardwood floor in front of my couch I open the box, taking a long pull from the liquor bottle as I did so.

Reaching inside I let my hand close around what I wanted first, pulling it out. I couldn't help the smile that flitted across my face as I thumb through the small book and lose myself in the day I met her.

_**XXXXXXXX**_

_February 14, 1995_

_"Have you seen her?"_

_"Has she talked to anybody?"_

_"She didn't look that special to me." _

_I shook my head as I passed the many conversations going on. _

_Bella Swan, Chief Swan's daughter, had moved to town and started school today. The topic of her had started weeks ago when it came to every one's attention that she'd be moving here and had only escalated the closer it got to today. After all I had been the last new student and that was seven years ago. _

_I didn't really care to listen since I figured she'd be like all the other teenagers in this godforsaken town, shallow and annoying. _

_I should be used to their ways by now, but they all still drove me crazy. _

_When I first moved here I had been talked about the same way and it only got worse when the kids realized how different I was with my tan skin, southern accent, cowboy boots, and single parent home. It probably didn't help that I shunned every one either and was happier playing my guitar than going to the playground. _

_Over the years they just got worse as they got into more sports and shopping, nothing I found even remotely interesting, so I continued to hang out with myself and I was fine. _

_Things changed at the beginning of this school year though and the bubble I'd built up around myself was tested everyday by those shallow and annoying people. _

_I'd gone back to Houston, Texas for the whole summer. My uncle had passed away the day after I finished 8th grade. My mom and I had gone back for the funeral and I had stayed to help my aunt on the farm she was now in charge of. _

_I spent the days working from sunup to sundown and my nights sitting on the front porch, playing my guitar while my body decided it wanted to go through puberty. _

_By the time I returned to Forks I was tan, toned, my voice was deeper, and my hair was blond from the sun. The last one I hated so I dyed my hair back to brown, shaved the sides, and wore the top in a ponytail. _

_Unfortunately every girl seemed to love the change in me and started invading my personal space frequently. I could only hope that the ones I'd turned down would clue Bella in on that I just wanted to be left alone. _

_While I didn't see Bella throughout the morning; I did have to hear once again all about her from Jessica, I wear to much makeup, Stanley and Lauren, I'm just a bitch, Mallory in my fourth period class. She was in all advanced classes which meant that I would have History with her 7th period; she was also supposedly really talented at like art and stuff. She was here because her mother remarried and didn't want to be saddled with a kid anymore. Yada, yada, yada. _

_The one new thing I did learn was apparently Bella Swan was not a talker and hadn't spoken a word to anybody but the teachers. She'd, in fact, shunned any and all who'd come up to her. I found that pretty fucking funny and couldn't stop the smile that spread across my face. Maybe she wouldn't be so bad after all._

_Fifty minutes later I finally see Bella as I'm walking to the cafeteria and every thought on how I think she will be changes. _

_While everyone is trying to get into the warm lunchroom, she's sitting under the only tree in the courtyard. Her head is down as her hand moves across the pad sitting on her drawn up knees. She doesn't seem to notice the 38 degree temperature or the rain that makes it through the thin branches. It's amazing to me and I can't help but stand there watching her. _

_I don't know how long it is before she looks up but when she does her eyes fall on me immediately and I see the look. _

_It's not something most would pick up on and the only reason I do is because I've seen the same one in the mirror every morning since I moved here. . _

_It's the look that clearly says 'I hate this place and it will never be my home.' _

_While I don't care if I see it on myself, on her it bothers me. Maybe it's because I know why she's here, maybe it's because I know it doesn't go away, or maybe it's just something in the air. Whatever the reason I want to make it go away. _

_I'm not about to go up and start talking to her because I'm pretty sure that I'll just be ignored like everyone else. I need an in first and I have no clue how to go about getting one. _

_My brain shuffles through different ideas. It's not until she finally looks back down and starts drawing on her pad that one comes to me-her art. _

_Now the only question is what about her art because stick figures are about all I can accomplish, so there's not hope of holding a conversation there. Plus I haven't seen anything of hers so I can't really say it's good. _

_With a sigh I finally turn to go into the cafeteria, thinking. I had until 7th period to figure something out. _

_It's not until halfway through 6th period Literature when something comes to mind and I get right to work. _

_While my teacher drones on and on about something I carefully tear two pieces of notebook paper into twenty even squares. Once that is done I start drawing. One stick figure on the first one, one starting to walk up on the next one, and on it goes, with the one stick figure walking up and waving until the end where both stick figures are beside each other and one has a little bubble over it's head that says 'Hi I'm Jasper.'_

_When all that is done I put them in order and wait until the end of class. With five minutes left Ms. Smith lets us do whatever and I walk up to her desk to use the stapler. _

_Once back in my seat I quickly flip the pieces of paper, grinning when I see that the book works. _

_When the bell rings I rush to my last class of the day and then play musical chairs if someone sits beside me. _

_Bella is the last one to come in the room and thanks to my constant movement the chair next to me is empty and it's the only one left. _

_She slides into the seat after handing over her slip to the teacher and pulls out her pad, not bothering to acknowledge anyone else. I wait until the teacher is engrossed in discussing the Vietnam War before I slowly pull the book from my pocket and toss it onto the middle of her desk. _

_Her head snaps up immediately as her hand reaches for it. I watch out the corner of my eye as her thumb flips the pages, inwardly groaning and dropping my head onto my desk at the stupid idea I had when she doesn't show any outward sign. I mean it was an immature little flip book. The kind you do in elementary school so of course someone who can draw wouldn't like it. _

_A few seconds later I feel something smack into my arm and I raise my head, finding the book sitting on my desk. I look over at Bella and she mimes flipping through it. Doing so I can't help but grin when I find a new bubble at the end over the other figure that says, 'Hi I'm Bella.'_

_**XXXXXXXXX**_

I pull myself from the memory there. She'd thanked me once class was over, I'd walked her home, and we'd talked. It was easy with her and we soon became best friends. It wasn't long before one of us were always at the other's house, she with her sketch pad and me with my guitar. We talked and laughed a lot. We discussed what we wanted to do when we got older. Hers was simple she wanted to own her own gallery to sell her drawings and paintings; something she'd have no problem doing since she was extremely talented. I wanted to do something with music of course, maybe a teacher or something along those lines.

As the school year had passed and the summer started things started to change for us. I started noticing 'the look' was almost gone from both of our faces and it opened up a whole new line of thinking when I looked at her. Now I could see what I'd missed with it being there. She was absolutely, without a doubt, fucking beautiful. She was all light and dark with her pale skin and dark hair. Her green eyes that used to be cloudy with emotion in the beginning now sparkled with laughter. Her petite little body was flawless and it got to the point that all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her and just kiss the shit out of her. I'd ignored that feeling though, not wanting to ruin our friendship and we continued on into our sophomore year.

It wasn't until the middle of October when I found out that she'd been thinking the same thing about me.

Setting the flip book down by my side I reached into the box again and pulled out the next thing I wanted. A handmade school flier for the night our just friends status was no more.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**Well? **

**Now the next chapter will pick up in the past followed by Jasper's thoughts on it in the present. I hope I don't confuse anybody. **


	2. Simple Man

_**Disclaimer: I don't own. We all know this. If I did that scene in Eclipse with Jasper telling Bella of his past on the cliff edge would have been so different. In my version he'd of shoved Alice off and Bella would have offered her a Zippo to light her way down. **_

_**In the memories Bella is already 16 and Jasper is still 15. **_

_**XXXXXXXXXX**_

_October 11, 1995 _

_Leaning against Bella's truck I watch the double doors of the school building, waiting for her to come through them. Our shared History class was third period this year instead of seventh and I hated it. I hated waiting two hours to see her again after lunch, especially how I felt about her now. Hopefully though if this year worked out like we wanted and I did what I needed to we'd share every class next year. Bella was helping me get my shit together so I could change to all advanced courses. I'd have to take a test for each over the summer and if I passed them I could switch. That was our goal and one I was going to accomplish because I hated waiting. _

_I checked my watch for the third time and wondered where the hell she was. It usually took her only five minutes, having to go by her locker first, but I'd been waiting 15. _

_Pushing myself away from the hood I start for the building only for Bella to come flying out of the office's side door. _

_"Sorry, sorry." She said as she stopped next to me. _

_"What happened? Did you get in trouble?" _

_"No," She scowled and rolled her eyes at me. "I had to check something out."_

_"What?"_

_"I'll tell you when we get to my house." _

_"Bells." I groaned. I hated when she did that shit. _

_"Jazz." She mocked, unlocking her truck door. _

_I narrowed my eyes at her, but all it did was cause her to grin at me. "Get in the truck or you're walking and you won't find out what I know." _

_I had only one option. I got in the truck. I honestly didn't think she'd leave me to walk, but I really wanted to know what she did. _

_We rode in silence to her house and once inside we headed straight for the kitchen. We did the same thing every day whether we were here or at my house. Book bags got dropped beside our chairs, she went to the cabinets to get snacks while I went to the fridge to get drinks, we'd settle in our chairs and pull out our homework, and then we'd spend the next hour working through it. _

_Once I was settled back at the table I reached to pull my notebook and math book out of my bag. As I went to set them in front of me a thin white sheet of paper slid in front of me. Looking up at Bella I found her smiling. She nodded her head at the paper and I looked back to it. _

_It was the typical paper you'd find tacked to a cork board or telephone pole. Along the bottom were three blackened out clip art silhouettes-a person singing, a ballet dancer, and a violin. Above those were a stage with pulled back curtains and the words Forks High Talent Show. Stars and firework looking things decorated the rest. _

_When I finished looking over it I glanced back up at Bella and asked, "So what is this about?"_

_"I think you should sign up to do it." She answered and bit her lip. _

_"And why in the hell would I want to do that?"_

_"Because I think you'd win hands down." _

_"I don't know about that." _

_"Whatever. You are amazing with a guitar and you know it. Add your singing into it and you're golden."_

_"You know I don't play in front of anybody." _

_"That's not true. You play for me, your mom, and my dad all the time." _

_"That's different."_

_"I know, but seriously Jazz I think you'd have it in the bag. Mrs. Cope said only two people had signed up so far. It's Lauren and Jessica. Do you seriously see them being good at anything other than gossiping?"_

_I chuckled because she was right and then sat for a few minutes thinking about what she wanted me to do. Not that I really needed to think about it. I would do it only because she asked me to. If it had been anyone else, even my own mother, I would have said a big resounding NO. _

_Finally and with a small lie I said, "I'm not agreeing yet, but give me the details."_

_She grinned because she knew I was lying. "Well, Mrs. Cope, Coach Clapp, and the drama teacher, Ms. Morrow are the judges. It's a week from Friday and starts at 6:30 that night. When you win..." She said emphasizing the when. "...you get a hundred dollars as the prize and I know you've been saving your money lately for a car. And I thought you could sing Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd." I raised an eyebrow in question and she shrugged. "It's my favorite that you do. When I hear it I can picture Maria sitting you down and saying the same thing." _

_I laugh quietly because Bella just showed how much she knows not only me but my mom. She has sat me down and said while not the exact words they were ones along the same lines as the song. It's why I learned to play it. _

_"Okay Bells. I'll do it for you and I'll sing that song." _

_She squealed and shot out of her chair, rushing around the table to hug me. "You are so going to kick ass." She whispered as she squeezed tight. _

_I laughed and reluctantly pulled away from her. Seeing the smile plastered across her beautiful face showed me how much she believed in me and it just made me want her more. _

**XXXXXXXX**

**Present Day**

From the next night up until the night of the talent show I'd practiced every chance I had. Bella had been an avid audience, praising me every time I finished running through the song; no matter how many times she'd heard it that day.

Back then I hadn't noticed the subtle signs that she wanted more than friendship from me. I'd missed the flashes of love in her eyes_. _I'd missed the quiet sighs when I'd sing a certain part of the song. And I'd missed the real meaning behind the small smile that would play across her lips. I'd thought it had to do with her thinking the song was perfect. However I'd found out, after our feelings had come out, that it wasn't the song she thought was perfect; it was me.

Thankfully my inept ability to notice those things hadn't stopped the inevitable change our relationship took the night of the talent show.

**XXXXXXXXXX **

_October 20, 1995_

_Fuck I was nervous. I'd already bitten my nails to nubs on one hand and I was working my way through the other, waiting my turn to go on stage. I hadn't wanted to go first and thankfully I got my wish, but being last also wasn't working out well. Having to wait was driving me crazy. _

_Granted I wasn't having to wait to long since only eight of us had signed up for this thing, but knowing that it was almost time for me to get out there wasn't helping much either. I could only hope I didn't suck as bad as the rest of them. I had to hide a smile behind my hand as I thought back on the talents or lack thereof that had gone before me. _

_A very out of tune rendition of __**Any Man of Mine **__from Lauren Mallory opened the show. It had been like nails on a chalkboard listening to that shit and I had at the time thought nothing could ever sound worse. _

_I was wrong. Jessica Stanley went next and her attempt at __**TLC's Waterfalls **__was just sad. I don't even think she got half the words right. _

_Things did not improve. _

_If Mike Newton, Tyler Crowley, and Eric Yorkie didn't get beat up in the parking lot after this thing was over or on Monday I will be very surprised. I mean seriously thinking that a dance to New Kids on the Block and a Star Wars light saber battle skit was a good idea, was just asking for an ass whoopin'. _

_Then Jacob Black had to just add to the train wreck before us when he knocked himself out trying to break a board with his head in his karate routine. I seriously think I heard Bella laugh at that point and while I couldn't see her with the lights shining in my eyes from my position back stage, I could picture Charlie and mom trying to keep her quiet. Oh hell who was I kidding they were all probably trying to keep themselves quiet. _

_Angela Webber was going now though and I guess she was my only competition. She was playing the hell out of that violin and was doing a damn good job. The soothing sound was actually helping me to calm a little. I'd stopped trying to eat my fingers right now at least. _

_All too soon she was finished though and Principal Sawyer was walking back on stage. Fuck!_

_I stepped from behind the curtain a little and shielded my eyes with my hand hoping to find Bella in the audience. I really needed to see her once more before I went out there. _

_It didn't take me long to locate Charlie and mom in the front row right in line to where I would be sitting on a stool. However Bella wasn't with them and my nerves cranked right back up. Where was she? _

_"Jazz." _

_I turned quickly and breathed out a sigh of relief, seeing Bella walking toward me. _

_Her eyes searched my face as she came closer and I knew she could see that I was on the verge of freaking out. _

_When she got to me she reached up, taking my face in between her hands and said, "You are going to be amazing."_

_"What if I not? I've never played in front of this many people before. What if I'm just as bad as every one else?"_

_"I don't think you even need to remotely worry about that last part happening." She said with a smile. "As for the other don't sing to all of those people out there. Sing to me. It's just another day in your living room and we're hanging out. "_

_"Alright." I said. _

_She smiled wide and patted my cheek. "Good boy." _

_We heard Principal Sawyer call my name and Bella dropped her hands before tiptoeing up and placing a kiss on my cheek. She lingered for a moment and whispered, "Good luck." _

_I nodded in thanks and waited for her to step away. Once she had I turned to walk on stage only to spin around when she said my name. _

_"Remember only me." She said backing up and keeping her eyes on me. _

_"Always," I breathed without thought and meaning something completely different than what I was about to do._

_Her eyes widened, picking up on the difference. She walked back over to me slowly and stared up at me in wonder. "Bella I..." _

_Principal Sawyer called my name interrupting me. "Go," She said. "I'll be here after. We'll talk then." _

_I looked over my shoulder and then back at Bella. Leaning forward I did something I never thought I would get the chance to do. I pressed my lips to her briefly and whispered, "After."_

_As I step away her hand comes up to touch her mouth and I know I haven't made a mistake. Giving her a smile I leave her standing there as I walk out onto the stage. _

_I get myself settled on the stool and adjust the microphone before I twist my guitar around to my front. Taking one more glance over at Bella I receive a smile and then I start playing. _

_I only think about Bella as I sing and before I know it I'm strumming the last chord of the song. I give a small wave as the audience starts clapping, and I quickly leave the stage to go back to Bella. _

_She jumps at me as soon as I'm close enough and squeezes my neck tight in a hug. "You were awesome." _

_My arms automatically wrap around her waist, lifting her up off the floor. We hug for a few more seconds before I pull back and set her back on her feet. _

_My hands slide out from around her and drop to my side. Bella pulls her bottom lip into her mouth and chews on it like it's going out of style. I know I need to say something about that kiss, but I really don't know where to start. _

_Finally I just decide to go for it since I can't go back and change things now. "Bella about that kiss..." _

_Her face falls stopping me from saying anything further. "You didn't mean it right?"_

_"What? No. I mean yes." I stop and scrub my hand over my face. I'm just messing this up. Taking a deep breath I try and succeed in getting out what I want to tell her. "Bella I meant to kiss you. I don't want to be just friends anymore. I haven't for awhile now and I didn't want to say anything in case it messed up our friendship. I'll understand if you don't want the same and I promise nothing will change with us if you don't. I'll always be your best friend no matter what."_

_I go back to biting my nails as she stares at me, that damn bottom lip in between her teeth again._

_Before she can say or not say anything else Principal Sawyer announces the winner of the talent show. I'm too focused on Bella to realize he's said my name until she pushes me toward the stage. "You won, go." _

_I really don't want to leave her until I know how she feels, but Mr. Sawyer is calling my name and everyone is clapping. With a small growl I turn to walk back out to him. _

_"Oh and Jazz I don't want to be just friends anymore either." _

_I stop and look over my shoulder to see her grinning up a storm. She gives me a wink and says, "I'll be here after." _

_I make my way out to center stage then smiling like an idiot. I get a handshake, my prize money, and give a wave to the audience again before rushing back off stage to Bella, sweeping her up in an immediate hug and twirling her around in a circle. _

_"Seriously?" I ask as I pull back._

_"Yeah." She answers. _

_I keep my eyes locked with hers as I move my head forward. When I'm inches from her mouth her eyes close and I eliminate the distance, pressing our lips together. We open at the same time and it's fucking heaven as our tongues rub against each other. _

_The clearing of a throat finally breaks us apart and we glance over to find my amused mother and a not so amused Charlie. Oh shit. _

_Bella slides slowly down to the floor and we turn to face the two of them. _

_I really want to put my arm around her, but Charlie is right there and I don't think he'd appreciate it at the moment. _

_"Um...hey dad. Maria." _

_"Hey Bella." My mom says back as Charlie grunts. My mom is awesome and tries to divert the attention for the moment by turning to me.. "Congratulations honey." _

_"Thanks mom." _

_"So are you going to add the prize money to your car fund?"_

_I almost lie and say yes, but after a quick smile from Bella I change my mind. "No, I think I'm going to use it and take my new girlfriend on a first date."_

**XXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Present Day**

I chuckle as that last part runs through my head. Bella's face at that moment was priceless and a look I won't ever forget. Her smile had been so bright and her arm had slid around my waist. Of course that sentence and her movement had brought the situation back to the forefront of Charlie's mind and he'd suggested we all go out to dinner. It hadn't been so much as dinner as an establishment of rules. While we could still hang out after school, there was no more being alone in the bedroom unless one of the adults was home. We also couldn't have sleepovers anymore. It wasn't something we'd done often only if we fell asleep while watching a movie or something, but those were scraped.

Bella and I had understood where they were coming from and had agreed to both. I mean it's not like we came away with nothing. We could kiss and hold hands now so it was fine by us to compromise.

That night had been the start of us as a couple.

The rest of that year Bella and I became even more inseparable, dates taking up each weekend and spending every free moment up until curfew together.

I'd told her I loved her the day after Christmas and she'd said it back.

We spent all of that summer together on the beach. Junior year came and went with me signing up for the talent show again and winning. Bella picked up painting and photography along with keeping her drawing up. We had all the same classes since I managed to pass all my advanced placement tests and we went on even more dates.

Summer before senior year we went to Texas for two weeks and Bella got a small tan working on my aunt's farm. We were so happy and looking forward to our last year of high school.

We didn't realize when we started that last year that once again changes were coming and they would be what ultimately led to our downfall.

It started with Principal Sawyer informing us that some of our events through the year would be combined with a small school in Port Angeles, mainly the talent show and prom. When I beat out everyone from both schools it started me thinking seriously about trying to make a career out of singing and playing.

And then there was prom.

I set down the flier still clutched in my hand and pulled out the prom program that was on the table in the hotel ballroom. Taking a long drink from my tequila bottle I lean back against my couch and close my eyes, remembering the night that to this day is still one of my biggest regrets.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**How was it? **

**I know some may wonder about the last few sentences. All will be explained about why the regret for prom night next chapter. **

**Also if you listen to Simple Man then it might give some insight into later chapters, since it's kind of foreshadowing the way things go. **


	3. I'll Be

_**Disclaimer: I don't own. We all know this. If I did that scene in Eclipse with Jasper telling Bella of his past on the cliff edge would have been so different. In my version he'd have shoved Alice off and Bella would have offered her a Zippo to light her way down. **_

_**Link for Prom outfits at the bottom.**_

_**In this one they are both 18. I also don't think I've mentioned it, but in the present he and Bella are 29. **_

_**Hey guys if you're getting an alert for this chapter again. I just fixed the date. A reader noticed I'd messed up. I put 96 instead of 98 so I was just fixing it. Everything else is the same.  
**_

_**XXXXXXXXXX**_

_**May 18, 1998**_

_It was Prom night and I wanted things to be perfect. Not only was it the only school function, other than the talent show and graduation, that Bella was even interested in, but once again things were about to change for us. _

_In just three short months we would be separated by a whole continent when college started. I had not thought we'd be that far away from each other. I knew Bella's dream was to go to the School of Art and Design or SCAD in Savannah, Georgia. I had applied to Georgia Southern and Florida State University. Both were at least two hours from her, but still close enough to see each other on the weekends. _

_I had also applied to USC, my first choice. It had a good music and education program, plus LA was a great place to do open mic nights and after the talent shows those were a must. _

_In March Bella got her acceptance letter along with a scholarship to SCAD. She was so happy and excited. I got my acceptance letters to both Georgia Southern and FSU a week later. I only had to choose one and I'd be good to go. _

_At the beginning of April though I got my letter and a scholarship from USC. I hid it for a week. I really wanted to go there, but I also really didn't want to be that far from Bella. When I did finally tell her about it we had a long talk. _

_She told me that while she didn't want to be that far from me either it was the best option. _

_A scholarship didn't come with Georgia Southern or FSU and with it being out of state that was a lot of money for me and my mom to pay. Plus the programs there weren't as good as USC and she knew my want for open mic nights so really there was no choice. She wouldn't let me overlook what I wanted for her. She loved me too much. _

_Hearing everything and listing the pro and cons we made the tough decision that our four years of college would be done away from each other. _

_We'd make the distance work, breaking up wasn't an option in any way, shape, or form. _

_We'd pulled up the school calendars for each of our schools for the following year and we spent the rest of that night planning out vacations. _

_Thanksgiving and Christmas would find us back in Forks. Bella's birthday and Valentine's Day would find me in Savannah. My birthday fell at Christmas so that one we didn't have to worry about. Spring Break Bella would come to California. _

_We also, thanks to Charlie, had new webcams. They were our graduation presents. Those would help since we didn't plan weekends. It would be too expensive to fly just for a day or two and any longer would mess with school, so we would have to make do with a grainy video most of the time. _

_Tonight we were forgetting about all of that though. Tonight was about us and the end of high school. _

_Bella had been planning for prom for the last month. She'd driven with my mom to Seattle at the end of last month to get her dress. She'd hunted for the perfect accessories to go with it and went with me to pick out my suit. I'd thought for sure she was going to make me wear a tux, but surprised me with a suit. It was cool. Everything was black except the shirt which was still dark gunmetal gray. I thought I looked pretty good and by the look Bella gave when I came out wearing it she thought the same thing. _

_She poured over magazines finding the perfect hairstyle or whatever. I was wearing mine like I always did, pulled back in the ponytail. _

_I'd gotten us a limo to drive us to Port Angeles and reservations at her favorite restaurant, Bella Italia. Personally, I think she liked it just because it had her name in it. I'd also had mom help me with ordering her corsage since she wouldn't let me see her dress. When mom picked out the deep red roses I couldn't wait to see what Bella was wearing. _

_I'd also gotten us a hotel room. We wouldn't be spending the night because that would not have gone over well with Charlie at all, but we would be able to sneak away for an hour or two and take that next step in our relationship. Yes it was cliché but it was about us and we really didn't care. _

_We'd only done some minor groping since we'd gotten together, but nothing past second base. While I had wanted to move things along sooner, Bella hadn't been ready. It wasn't a big deal though. I wasn't with her for sex and when she was ready I would be as well. That didn't mean my hand hadn't become my friend over the last couple years though. I was a teenaged boy after all. _

_My biggest fear about the whole thing was that I would hurt her too much and she wouldn't be able to enjoy it. I would just have to take my time and go slow. _

_Letting out a deep breath at that thought I rolled over onto my stomach. I was lying here waiting on Bella's call. She'd gone to get her hair, nails, and makeup done and was going to let me know when she was home so I knew what time to go over to her house. _

_I wasn't planning on falling asleep, but jerked awake when my mom knocked on my door. As she pushed it open I sat up and rubbed my hand over my face. _

_"Jasper honey. Bella just called. She said to give her about thirty minutes to get dressed."_

_"Okay. Thanks mom." _

_She gave me a smile as I pushed myself off the bed and grabbed my things to go get a shower. _

_Once I was done I went back to my room and put on my suit. The tie kept giving me issue so after grabbing my wallet and keys I headed downstairs, finding my mom in the kitchen. _

_"Can you help me?" I asked walking into the room._

_She turned and put her hand over her mouth as tears welled up in her eyes. _

_"Mom." I said shaking my head at her display of emotion._

_"I'm sorry honey. You just look so handsome. My little boy is all grown up." _

_I grinned and held my tie up to get her back on track. _

_She helped me get it on and straight and then after grabbing Bella's corsage we went out to the car. My mom would drive back here once the limo picked us up. _

_We pulled into Bella's driveway a few minutes later and Charlie met us at the door._

_"She's almost ready." He said as he let us in and I nodded. _

_It was only a few seconds later when Bella appeared at the top of the stairs and my mouth fell open. Fuck she was stunning. _

_As she slowly made her way down I let my eyes sweep from head to toe. Her hair was pulled up off her shoulders with just a few curls hanging down. Her makeup was darker than I'd ever seen her wear with dark eyes that made the green stand out even at a distance and her lips were red. Her earrings were black and around her neck was a black snug-fitting necklace with a small thing hanging from it. _

_Her dress was the best part though. It was strapless and matched the color of my shirt. It had a trail of bling down the front and was tight fitting until her hips where it flared out to the floor. _

_When she stopped in front of me I brought my eyes up to hers. _

_"You look beautiful." _

_"Thank you. You look amazing too." She said back. _

_I smiled and leaned forward to brush my lips across hers briefly. _

_Pulling back I reached for her corsage and Bella held her hand up so I could slip it onto her wrist. When I was finished she took my boutonnière Charlie had grabbed from the kitchen and put it on my suit. _

_Once that was out of the way Bella grabbed a small black bag and we went outside where Charlie and mom seemed to take fifty million rolls of film. We stood still and smiled through every one of them though. _

_The limo arrived not to long after and we were on our way. _

_Bella and I cuddled up in the back of the limo and just talked about nothing for the hour drive to Port Angeles. _

_Once we got to the restaurant I helped her from the car and we went inside, earning smiles from the people there. _

_Dinner was awesome and when we were finished we went back to the limo for the short drive to the hotel. _

_The ballroom was nice. Our prom theme was A Night in the Orient, so there were Chinese lanterns and lights hanging from the ceiling. Umbrellas and dragons decorated the tables. There was a red hue to the room. _

_Bella and I found a table in the corner and then went off to get our picture done. She sat on a small chair/sofa kind of thing while I stood behind her with my hand on her shoulder. _

_When that was out of the way we went out on the dance floor. _

_We got jiggy with Will Smith, didn't miss a thing with Aerosmith, and let our heart's go on with Celine Dion. After dancing to some horrible Backstreet Boys song Bella and I made our escape, stopping off at the front desk to grab the key to our room. _

_On the elevator ride up I could tell she was nervous. Dropping her hand I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her tight into my side. _

_"We don't have to do this if you aren't ready, Bella." _

_"I ready, just a little worried that it won't be good for you." _

_"It will be good. I'm worried I'll hurt you to much."_

_"Then we'll just take it slow." _

_I nodded, but didn't speak as the doors opened on our floor. We found the room and after unlocking it went inside. _

_Bella moved over to the window and stood with her back to me. I almost told her we'd just go back downstairs, but then she turned to look over her shoulder._

_The look on her face made me keep my mouth shut and I walked over. _

_Reaching my hands up I placed them on her shoulders and then lightly kissed the back of her neck. Her shiver caused me to smile. _

_"I love you,' I whispered. _

_"I love you too." She said back just as quietly. _

_Her hands came up and she started taking the pins out of her hair. Once it was flowing down her back I turned her in my arms and cupped her cheek in my hand, bringing her lips to mine. _

_As we kissed I felt my tie give. Our mouths stayed connected as her hands slid up my chest and under my suit jacket. I let my arms fall so she could push it off me and to the floor. Her fingers undid each button on my shirt and it soon followed my jacket. _

_When it hit the floor I broke the kiss and took her hand leading her just the few steps to the bed. Turning her to face away from me I let my fingers skim up her arms, around the back of her shoulders, moving her hair out of the way, and then down to the zipper of her dress. _

_I sucked in a breath as I lowered it when I saw she had no bra on and let it out quickly when I saw the small scrap of black lace where her underwear should be. _

_Bella turned back around when her zipper was all the way down, her arms holding her dress in place. I knelt where I stood and lifted each of her feet to remove the strappy black shoes she was wearing. As I stood back up I toed off my own shoes and took my socks off quickly. _

_Back to standing I took one of Bella's hands and kissed the palm before using it to draw her to me. _

_"Are you sure?" I asked _

_She nodded and let her other arm fall, allowing her dress to pool at her feet. _

_"Fuck," I whispered as I drank in her beautiful body. She was perfect. _

_My eyes soon found hers again and I was almost blown away by the sheer amount of love staring back at me. I smiled and went in for another kiss, deepening it quickly. _

_My hands moved down her arms until I had one of her breast cupped in my hands, my thumb making the nipple pebble as I brushed over it. Her sigh of pleasure spurred me on and I cupped the other as I moved my lips down to her neck. _

_Bella's hands were splayed out across my chest and started slowly moving down to the waistband of my pants. As I kissed along her neck and shoulders I felt the button give and the zipper lower. _

_Before they could drop to the floor I stepped away from Bella and sat her on the bed. As I pulled the condom from my wallet she laid back on the pillows her hair fanning out under her. I kept my eyes locked with hers as I pushed my pants off and then when I crawled up to hover over her. _

_Our mouths found each other again. After deepening the kiss briefly I worked my way lower, down her neck and to the middle of her chest. _

_I kissed over to her right breast and slowly drew her nipple into my mouth, letting my tongue flick across the tip. Her throaty groan sent a shot of pleasure through me and I did it again, earning the same response. After lavishing it with attention I moved over to the other and gave it the same. _

_As her hands came up to run along my back I kissed back up to her lips. We kissed for awhile before I broke away and sat back on my heels, placing my hands on her waist. _

_With a look for permission and getting a nod in return I hooked my fingers in the side of her panties and slid them down her legs. _

_I dropped them off the side of the bed and using one hand I propped myself over her. With my other hand I trailed my fingers from her knee up to her inner thigh, spreading her legs a little more. I took my eyes off her beautiful face as my fingers kept moving and came in contact with her heat. _

_I groaned feeling how wet she already was and slipped between her lips, finding her button of nerves. _

_She bucked her hips against me as I touched her and I smiled. Her returned grin turned into a moan as I made a circle around her clit. _

_I continued to make circle around her, loving each little sound she made. Her hand came up after a moment, wrapping around the back of my neck and pulling my lips back to hers. _

_While we kissed I slid my hand lower and circled her entrance twice before slowly sliding a finger inside her. The heat and wetness was amazing. I slowly pumped my hand and used my thumb to work her bundle of nerves. _

_After only minutes I could tell she was getting close. Her walls started to contract around my finger so I sped up just a little, wanting her to find her pleasure. _

_Pulling my head back just a tad I said, "Let go Bella." _

_A few seconds later her body went rigid and her mouth formed a perfect little 'o'. Her hands gripped my shoulders as she rode out her orgasm. _

_When she came down from her high I slipped my hand from her core and moved back to hover over her. Bella's eyes opened and she gazed up at me with a serene smile on her face. Her hands came up and ran a trail down the side of my face. I leaned into her touch and she continued lower until she met the elastic of my boxers. She pushed the as far as she could and then I took over, kicking them off to the side when they were at my ankles. _

_Her eyes widened as I sat back and reached over for the condom. I inwardly smirked because once again I was a teenaged boy. _

_Once I had the condom rolled on I position myself at Bella's entrance. With one more look of permission and another nod I pushed forward. _

_Oh holy mother of hell. Her warmth and wetness was even more pronounced and it took all I had not to bury myself completely in her. One look at her though was enough to keep me from doing that. Her eyes were scrunched closed and her breaths were coming in quick pants. Her fingers were claws around my upper arms and her lip was firmly implanted in between her teeth. _

_"Do you want me to stop?" I asked. _

_"No, just distract me." She rasped. _

_I captured her lips again and moved one hand to cup her breast, brushing my thumb over the taunt peak of her nipple, as I pressed in inch by inch. Reaching her barrier I stopped again and pulled back. _

_"Breathe Bella okay."_

_She nodded quickly and I shifted my hips, catching her cry of pain as I broke through and sank fully until my hips were flush against her. _

_I stilled, letting her adjust as best she could. _

_"Are you alright?"_

_"Yeah, don't move yet though." _

_"When you're ready." I said gritting my teeth. _

_By the time Bella gave me the go ahead my body was shaking with the need to move, but I couldn't go fast. I didn't want to hurt her anymore than I already had. _

_Sliding out slowly I pushed back in and earned another wince from Bella, causing me to once again still all movement. _

_She was quicker to nod her head this time and when I pulled out and pressed forward she moaned out making me breath a sigh of relief. _

_I thrust twice more and knew it would not take much more for me to find my release. I sped up a little and felt the coil tighten even tighter right before it snapped, drawing out a deep groan and making my body go stiff. _

_I kept myself propped up, gazing down at Bella as I let my breathing slow down. Once it had I leaned down and gave her a long, deep kiss before slipping out of her. I slid away and out of the bed, going to the bathroom to dispose of the condom. _

_As I crawled back in the bed Bella turned on her side to face me. _

_Running my hand through her hair I said, "I'm sorry I hurt you."_

_"I'm okay now and I know it won't be that way next time. No more worries."_

_I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face and leaned forward to press my lips to hers. _

_Pulling back I said, "I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

_We lay there for a little bit longer before deciding to go back down to the ballroom. By the time we were dressed and Bella had put her hair back up and retouched her makeup the prom was almost over with only the crowning of prom king and queen and the senior dance to go. _

_I leaned against the back wall holding Bella against the front of me. We watched with many eye rolls as Jessica Stanley and Mike Newton were crowned in all their idiot glory. After they had their dance the seniors only were called out onto the floor._

_I took Bella's hand and we wound our way through the tables and stopped on the edge of the dance floor. As I'll Be by Edwin McCain started I wrapped my arms around her, holding her close. _

_When the song finished playing and the lights came up Bella pulled me down for a kiss. I smiled as we broke apart and then kissed her again quickly because I could. _

_Pulling away the second time we followed behind the others out to the parking lot. I found the limo quickly and we settled into the back. _

_Bella and I sat close together, my arm wrapped around her shoulder and her head resting on my chest. The car was silent as we started for home and I was okay with that. I was until I heard her quiet sniffle that is. _

_Reaching my hand up I lifted her chin and immediately felt horrible, thinking that the tears rolling down her cheeks were because of earlier. _

_"Oh baby, I'm sorry. We should have waited."_

_"No," She said quickly shaking her head and pushing herself up to face me. "It's not that."_

_"Then what are these about?" I asked brushing a tear away with my thumb._

_"I just hit me how little time we have left before we aren't together. School will be over in two weeks and then we only have just a little more than two months after that. It's going to be gone so fast and I'm going to miss you so much." _

_"I'll miss you too Bella, but I promise I'll only be a phone call, or an email, or a plane ride away. We have our webcams too. I'm gong to be there it just may not be like we're used to and before we know it college will be over."_

_"What if something happens before then? The distance gets to be too much or you meet someone who is closer." _

_"I love you and I promise nothing and no one will ever get in the way of us being together. Okay?"_

_She nodded and whispered, "I love you too." _

_I pulled her to me and for the rest of the drive back to Forks I held on. _

**XXXXXXXXX**

_**Present Day**_

I'd let myself break those promises and I will regret that for the rest of my life. It wouldn't be for another few years, but it didn't matter. I'd ended up putting Bella last in a lot of things. I'd taken her for granted, always expected her to be there, and when she needed me most I was somewhere else.

To this day I wish constantly that I had gone to FSU or Georgia Southern. If I had Bella would have staying in Savannah all four years, she would have gotten her degree from SCAD, I would have become a teacher, we'd have gotten married, maybe had a couple of kids by now, and we would have still been happy.

If I had been the man I should have been, that my mother expected, wanted, and thought me to be then I would have went to Bella instead of her coming to me after only two years of school.

But I didn't.

Reaching into the box beside me I pulled out the key that should have never been made, the one whose exact replica should have been turned in as soon as I hung up the phone the night Bella called me at the end of our sophomore year.

But it wasn't.

So many things overshadowed clear thinking the night Bella called. The fear when she uttered the first five words, the happiness after when she explained what she meant, the reasons behind her decision, and the many plans that needed to be made.

I gripped that little apartment key until it hurt as I thought about that call and how excited we had been, neither one of us knowing that it would be the beginning of our end.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**How was it? **

**Okay guys I know some were expecting a break up or something else major, but to Jasper breaking both of his promises is a major deal. Especially when it is one of the main reasons why he is alone. There is another that you won't find out about until a later chapter, but we're getting close to it. One more chapter before things start to go downhill. **

**Also the prom theme was mine. I graduated in 98 as well so I decided to use it. Our senior dance wasn't I'll Be though. We instead had two that had tied in the vote. Getting Jiggy With It by Will Smith and Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden. **

**Bella and Jasper's prom outfits here (remember to take out the spaces)**

**http:/ www. polyvore. com/prom_night-the_box/ set?id=23751116**


	4. Bring It On Home

_**Disclaimer: I don't own. We all know this. If I did that scene in Eclipse with Jasper telling Bella of his past on the cliff edge would have been so different. In my version he'd have shoved Alice off and Bella would have offered her a Zippo to light her way down. **_

_**Okay guys here is the next one. It's short, but there was no way to make it longer. I hope you like it. During the phone call regular script is Jasper talking and bold is Bella.  
**_

_**Both are 20 in the memory**_

_**Chapter song: Bring it On Home-Little Big Town**_

_**Link for song (remove spaces):  
**_

http:/ www. youtube. com/ watch?v= wmfi1DxPFvo

_**XXXXXXXXXX**_

_June 2, 2000 _

_God I'm tired, I thought as I push my front door open. _

_It had been a long damn day; between my way to early final and work I was ready to shower, eat, call Bella, and collapse. _

_The good thing though was my sophomore year was over. That and Bella would be here in a week to spend a few days before we both went home to Forks for the summer._

_I was so fucking ready to hold her in my arms. It seemed like forever since spring break and I missed her warmth. _

_Sighing at the thought of one more week again I headed toward my bedroom, stripping my shirt off as I went. Tossing it into the hamper I then removed my wallet and phone from my pants pocket, sitting them on the dresser with my keys. I sat on the edge of the bed to pull my boots and socks off and then stood, taking my jeans off. _

_Going into the bathroom I started the shower, hopping in when it was warm enough. After washing off the heat of the day I stepped out and toweled off. _

_As I pulled on my pajama pants I heard my phone ring. Rushing over to the dresser I picked it up, smiling when I saw it was my girl._

"Hey beautiful," _I said when I answered. _

**"Hey, I'm not doing this anymore."**

_My stomach flipped painfully and my knees buckled, causing me to drop down onto the bed. _

"What do you mean?" _I asked afraid of her answer._

**"I'm not coming back to Savannah I can't do it I miss you to much and..."**

_I had to stop her because I was confused as hell and she was talking too fast. _

"Bella wait are you breaking up with me?"

**"No! Why would you think that?" **_She said and I let out a deep huff of air._

"Because you call and the first words out of your mouth are you're not doing this anymore and I can't really understand what else you said."

_There was a beat of silence before she said, _**"Oh God, I'm so sorry. I'm just so excited and the words got mixed up as they came out. I didn't even realize I said it that way. I meant I don't have to do this anymore."**

"Oh okay. You just scared the shit out of me for a minute."

**"I'm so sorry Jasper. I love you."**

"I love you too. Maybe you could explain what's going on a little slower though."

**"I can do that." **_She took a deep breath and then started talking. _**"When I left after Spring break I started thinking about things. How much I hated leaving you. How it seems to take forever between visits and how quickly the time passes when we're together. I thought about school and how I'm just honing my talent here. I can do that in any art program and get the same degree I'd get from here.**

**"Once I figured that out I talked to my advisor. She wasn't happy about what I had to say, but helped me fill out the necessary paperwork to transfer to the art program at USC. I found out today that it was accepted."**

_It took a second to realize that she had stopped talking and I needed to make sure I understood exactly what she was saying._

"Does this mean what I hope and think it means?"

**"If you are hoping that when the end of summer comes I don't have to leave and if you're thinking that I will be a new student at USC in the fall, then yes that is exactly what it means. I'm not happy with just making the distance work anymore and I hope that that is okay."**

_I couldn't stop the grin that spread across my face and I was about to tell her I was more than okay with that, but then a thought popped into my head. _

"What about your scholarship?"

**"Well I will lose it, but my advisor helped me put together a portfolio for another one. I got it, but it's not as big. It will pay for my tuition. I'm on my own with the dorm, my books, supplies, and food, but I'll just get a job like you so it will be fine. "**

"Why would you need a dorm room?" _I asked, once again confused. _

**"I don't know. I didn't want to assume that I could just move in with you, especially springing all of this on you like I did."**

"Baby you don't have to ever assume anything. You could have just shown up, said I'm moving in, and I would have been okay with that."

**"Seriously?"**

"Yes Bella. I love you and can think of nothing that would make me happier."

_I could hear the smile, on her face, as she said, _**"I love you too."**

_We sat listening to each other breathe for a minute or two before I asked, _"Do you need me to come help you pack? I can be there tomorrow sometime."

_Her laughter rang through the phone and I smiled. _**"No, that's okay. I don't have much. Just my clothes, books, art stuff, and other little things. I'm going to pack what I don't need for the week and ship it to you on Monday."**

"Alright. God Bella I can't wait."

**"Me either. I'm so happy right now Jasper."**

"I am too baby. I am too."

_She sighed and then said with reluctance. _**"As much as I want to keep talking to you I need to go. I have to finish a drawing due tomorrow and I need to call dad."**

"It's okay. Although should I expect an irate call from Charlie later?"

_She giggled and said, **"No**_**. He knew I'd put in for the transfer and that moving in with you was a possibility. I'm just going to let him know its official."**

"Oh well that's good. I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow then?"

**"Yep. I love you."**

"I love you too."

_I listened to the click on the other end before I hung up. I could feel the smile grow as I looked around my bedroom, imagining Bella's things there permanently and not spilling out of a suitcase. I would need to move around stuff, but it would be worth it. _

_My stomach growled bringing me back to the fact I hadn't eaten since lunch. As I stood my eyes fell on my keys and immediately another thought took over the hungry one. _

_I quickly got redressed, grabbed my keys and stuff up, and headed out the door. I drove over to Home Depot and got Bella's new apartment key made, grinning like an idiot when the worker handed it over. Once I was done there I grabbed me some dinner from Mickey D's and went back to the apartment. _

_While I ate I made a list of things I needed to take care of to get ready for Bella before going to bed and dreaming very good dreams. _

_I got up the next morning early and after eating breakfast I started on the list. The first thing I did was talk to the leasing office, letting them know that Bella was moving in. They gave me a copy of my lease and said to drop it off after she'd signed it. I then went to Walmart and bought Bella her favorite things; shampoo, conditioner, bubble bath, and candles. I also picked up some new sheets, a couple new towels, a small dresser, and a small cabinet for the bathroom. Once I was satisfied with what was in the buggy I paid and went back to the house. _

_I was in such a good mood that I finished out the rest of my list before dinner. _

_Clean closet with a full rack empty for Bella's clothes-check._

_Clean floor underneath for her shoes-check. _

_Dresser put together and beside mine-check._

_Cabinet put together in bathroom and all her new things put in there-check. _

_Two shelves on the bookcase empty and waiting for her books-check._

_Once I was done I stood back and looked around the bedroom, smiling at what I had accomplished. Now all I had to do was wait, she would be here soon and everything would be perfect._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**Present Day**

And for five months things were absolutely perfect.

We'd fallen into living together so easily. Within two weeks it was like she'd always been there. We didn't argue or fight over things that might have drove someone else crazy. We just enjoyed waking up beside each other each morning and eating together.

In that first week we'd decided to stay in LA for the summer. Instead Charlie and mom came down the second week Bella was here. We all went sight-seeing and had a good time spending it together.

After they'd gone back home I went back to work, much to my bosses delight. He was a good guy and had kept my job open last summer. He was going to do it again that year, but had been more than happy to have me there instead.

Bella had gotten a job teaching art at the local Girl's and Boy's club. She started at the beginning of July and by the end of it had found a new passion. She still had her dream of opening a gallery, but she now also wanted to teach art in elementary school.

In August when we signed up for classes she'd picked up a second major; education. She'd have to take a couple more classes, but that was okay with her. She'd kept her job and loved every minute of it. It had felt so good to know that if it had been a bad day for one of us that the other was there to make it go away.

We'd spent Saturday nights going out. We went to the movies, open mic nights where she'd smile the entire time I was on stage, or art studios where she'd tell me everything there was to know about each exhibit.

Up until the end of October things had gone smoothly and then a typical open-mic night turned everything to shit.

**XXXXXXXXX**

**How was it? **

**Next one starts the bad stuff. It's also going to be a little different. There will be a collection of memories with Jasper's thoughts in between. The memories will span over a time period of four years and will show how things progressively got worse. It's the build up to the straw that finally breaks the camels back if you will. So be prepared. Many of you might not like Jasper much when it's over. I'm warning you now. **


	5. contest changed

**Okay so I'm a complete moron and should probably figure shit out before I do something. I'm changing things up a little here because for some reason nothing is showing up on my other profile so ignore the last A/N and read this one. :)**

**Everything is posted on this Profile now. So check it out. **

**I made a community for the contest that way all of you can go there and read when we have entries. Here is the link so you can keep a check on it (remove spaces): **

http:/ www. fanfiction. net/community/ Sexual_Position_Contest/ 86855/

**Christine30974 as been kind enough to offer her banner making skills. Thank you so much hun.**

**_Rules for the Sexual Positions Contest:_  
**

**1. Choose at least one position, more if you want**

**2. Any pairing and any plot, the smuttier the better though. Not opposed to threesomes nor slash.  
**

**3. Any length**

**4. Submissions will be accepted until November 30th. Voting will start December 1st and run to December 10th. **

**5. Winners will be chosen by the readers in a blind poll and there will also be a judge's pick. They will be announced on December 12th. **

**6. Please add a header to the top including your author's name, pairing, and sexual position**

**To submit add to your own stories and send me a PM so I can add it to the community. **

**_Prizes:_**

**_For the Blind Poll votes:  
_**

**First place will be three one-shots of your choice. Any pairing and any plot. They can all be same pairing or each one different.**

**Second place will be two one-shots.**

**Third place will be one. **

**All these will be done by me.  
**

**However please do not pick a slash or femslash pairing because I have no clue how to go about writing one of those. I'm not opposed to threesomes though. And yes I will, even though I will cringe through it, write an Edward/Bella or Alice/Jasper pairing if you want. Please also no Jacob I just really can't write him that way.  
**

_**For Judge's Pick:**_

**A banner by Christine30974 and a one shot of your choice from me  
**

**I hope a lot of you put something toward this because I think it will be fun to see what all of you come up with.**

**An actual update for this story will be out soon. Hopefully.**


	6. Mess I've Made

_**Disclaimer: I don't own. We all know this. If I did that scene in Eclipse with Jasper telling Bella of his past on the cliff edge would have been so different. In my version he'd have shoved Alice off and Bella would have offered her a Zippo to light her way down. .**_

_**I'm so sorry, but this chapter gave me hell. I had about nine pages written before I realized I hated it and deleted it all. It didn't flow right to me, but I think I've got it now. I'm still not completely happy with it, but I'm satisfied. I always knew this one would be the hardest just from the length of time needing to be covered. The next one shouldn't take as long to get out, but will be the hardest to read because of the content. **_

_**On another note I have no clue about the way music contracts or tours are so don't yell if I got it wrong. Also I've never done drugs of any kind so if I got the pot smoking wrong, that is also in here, let me know. **_

_**And for those of you that I know will ask why Bella is going another year to college than Jasper would have gone it has to do with her changing her major to education. She had a few more classes she needed to take. **_

_**In the first memory they are both 20. It goes up from there. **_

_**Song for Chapter: Mess I've Made by Parachute. **_

_**Enjoy. **_

_**XXXXXXXXXX**_

**Present Day**

I rolled the key around in my hand as I glanced into the box. Every Saturday I hesitated in taking out the next item. The memories that came with it, highlighting the many mistakes and bad decisions I made, were the ones that had laid the foundation of ruin.

Finally with a sigh I set the key down and reached for the small rectangle of paper. I flipped it over twice between my fingers before righting it and reading the name typed out on the front.

_Felix Jacobs_

_New Age Records_

It was a simple little business card. I'd received it after singing two songs during an open-mic night on November 4, 2000. I'd met with Felix, an agent, and a lawyer a week later. When I'd walked out of that building three hours later I had a 6 year recording contract, 100,000 cash advance, a commitment to do 3 albums, and a band, when Felix found the right people that is.

I gripped the bottle in my hand and took another long swig from it. No matter how hard I tried I could only pull forth very little else of the night I'd received the card or the meeting after. My guess would be because nothing really started until the night I met the band. It was the night I became acquainted with him.

**XXXXXXX**

_January 5, 2001_

_"Are you nervous?" Bella asked from the passenger seat._

_"A little. I hope I can handle playing with other people."_

_"You'll be fine." She said giving my hand a squeeze. _

_I raised it and kissed the back, giving her smile as I did so._

_A few minutes later we pulled into Felix's driveway. Heidi, Felix's wife, met us at the door and after giving us both a hug, we made our way out to the backyard._

_There were five people spread out around the patio. Felix was by the grill, flipping steaks. He came over after turned the heat down._

_"Hey you two," He said shaking my hand and giving Bella a kiss on the cheek. After we greeted him he led us over to the first two. It was a blond couple. _

_"Jasper this is Peter, your lead bassist and back up vocals, and his girlfriend, Charlotte. Peter and Charlotte this is Jasper, the lead singer and acoustic guitar player, and his girlfriend, Bella."_

_A round of nice to meet yous, handshakes, and smiles went around before Felix turned to the other two men who'd walked over during the introductions. The first was a dark haired guy with a braid hanging down his back. The second had dark blond hair kept back in a short ponytail at the base of his neck. "Jasper and Bella this is Garrett, second bassist and piano. And this is James the drummer." _

_Garrett's smile was genuine as he shook mine and Bella's hands. James', however, was kind of shrewd and more of a smirk. _

_He made no move to shake hands, but that didn't bother me. _

_Felix then clapped his hands, drawing all attention to him, "Well now that introductions are out of the way, let's sit down to eat."_

_Everyone made there way to the patio table and found their seats. Bella was placed next to Heidi and Charlotte and the three of them quickly struck up a quiet conversation. _

_Myself, Felix, and the other three guys were at the other end of the table. Felix told us what to expect. I would be considered a sole artist so no worry with choosing a band name. We'd meet next week to play together and go through a few songs before deciding on not only our first single, but also choosing ones to be on the first album which he wanted out by the fall. It was a short timeframe, but he thought if everything worked out well it could be done. I would finish out my junior year, going into the studio when I didn't have class. I'd have to quit my job, but thanks to the advance I'd already received it wasn't a tragedy. _

_Over the summer Felix wanted to set up gigs at little venues, bars that featured local bands, fairs, local TV shows, and things like that. His goal was to have us open for a well known band on their tour after our album came out before moving onto having someone open for us. I had to admit I was excited about everything. Even if it meant that once senior year started I would not be returning to college. _

_A few more details were hashed out before the girls joined us in conversation and we got to know each other a little better, finding out where people were from and things along those lines. _

_When the night came to a close, Bella and I were the first to leave. We wished everyone a good night and settled into the car for the short drive home. _

_After I pulled out of the driveway I asked, "So what do you think of everybody?"_

_"Well you know I like Felix and Heidi. Peter seems okay and I already love Charlotte. We even exchanged numbers and made plans to meet next week for lunch sometime. Garrett is nice too..."_

_She trailed off there and I glanced over to see her biting her lip. "What's the matter?"_

_"I don't like James at all."_

_I was confused. He hadn't done or said anything that I could tell and they'd never been alone. "Why?"_

_"It's stupid because I don't really have a reason. It's just this feeling I got. He didn't talk much and the way he looked at everybody like he didn't want to be there. Maybe he was nervous and I'm just being paranoid. I don't know, like I said it's stupid."_

_I smiled and pulled her hand up to kiss the back of it. "It's not stupid baby, but I'm sure he's harmless."_

_She smiled in return and rested her head on the seat. "Yeah you're probably right. So, tell me what Felix had to say about what's to come."_

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

**Present Day**

After that night everything had gone off the way Felix had wanted.

The band and I worked well together and took no time at all choosing and recording our first single. When it came out on the radio it quickly became the most requested song. Our album songs were quickly chosen as well and we had gotten right to work on getting it done for a September release.

Over the summer of that year we'd played at many different venues around California, any where from The House of Blues to the San Diego Zoo. There wasn't a weekend that we weren't out of town. I'd loved every minute of it and Bella seemed to be the same way.

When school had started back I had not returned. There was a chance that we would be getting an opening act spot for half a Linkin Park tour and I would have had to have dropped out anyway.

The band members and I grew pretty close during that time too. Peter and Charlotte were cool like Bella and I had thought and we went out a lot of times with them. Garrett was kind of a loner though and the only time I spent with him was before shows or in the studio.

James on the other hand I hung out with a lot. If Bella was working late or studying I'd have a beer with him down the street. While I didn't support him leaving or talking about being with a different girl most nights, he was funny and most of our time, was spent laughing. Bella had still not come around on liking him, but there was nothing I could do about it.

In September our album had come out to rave reviews and sold a million copies in the first week. Photographers became a constant every time Bella or I left the apartment, but we took it in stride. It came with the territory and we dealt with it.

In October we got the news that we'd been hoping for. Linkin Park asked if we would open for them from the beginning of the year to the end of July. The only problem was Bella not being able to join me. She would be starting her student teaching about the time I left so it wasn't even an option. Thankfully I would be able to come home at the end of each month, for a weekend, and then when school was over she was going to join me for the last two months.

When the tour started, right after New Years it was such a rush. a different city most nights, interviews, and photo shoots. It was amazing to see the work that went behind pulling off a show. The screaming crowds were mind-boggling and the fact that they asked for autographs even more so.

While I was having fun I still missed Bella like crazy. Not being with her on Valentine's Day or our anniversary just added to it, but we did make up for that when I was home, staying in bed most of the weekends. Plus I think both of us being busy kept us from going insane completely.

We did, unfortunately, have one small incident where I was an asshole. It was the middle of April and for some reason a busier week for the band than normal. I hadn't gotten a chance to speak to Bella directly for a few days and when I finally did get a minute, right before our first set, to call her, she didn't answer. After that set, a few more phone calls, a couple texts, our last set, more calls and texts, a few or five beers, still no answer, and then finally a call from her at 11:30 I'd been livid and said a few stupid things, including that whatever she'd been doing must have been more important than me.

She'd promptly set my ass straight that where she was it was only 8:30, that she'd left me a message the night before that I had answered back with a text and forgotten about, and that her job and school were while not more important than me, were still important nonetheless.

After she'd hung up on me and I'd checked voicemail, where the message was saved in my phone, I'd called her back and groveled, promising never to talk to her the way I did again. She'd forgiven me and when I went home a week later she'd forgiven me more. I made sure nothing like that ever happened again and the rest of the tour finished without worry.

When it was over life had settled down for a little bit. We had more interviews and photo shoots than before, but the constant traveling had ceased.

Bella started her last year of school, student teaching twice a week both semesters, and started on her paintings and drawings for her final show at the end of the year.

Once again I'd find myself with James at the local bar or we'd go out with Peter and Charlotte when she was free.

Things were good and then the New Year came and all of it started to change.

In January Peter proposed to Charlotte. On Valentine's Day I gave Bella a pair of diamond earrings in a small velvet box. March was the announcement of our own year long tour. April was when Peter and Charlotte decided, at the spur of the moment, to elope in Vegas.

Those were four events that at the time I didn't notice a few very important things, but can remember clearly now. I can remember the way Bella's smile never reached her eyes. I can remember the way her enthusiasm was a little too enthusiastic to be real. I can remember the way her right hand would sweep across her left sometimes.

I would give anything to go back to that time, pay attention, and speak up. I have no doubt things would be different. That Bella would have told me she wanted to get married and I would have asked her. I could place the blame on her and say she should have said something, but as my mom told me afterwards it wasn't her place. I was the man who supposedly loved her after all.

Instead I missed it and didn't know why we started arguing over little things. By the end of May they'd gotten so stupid and frequent that I was hanging out with James more or at the studio until late. Then we argued about that.

It was a vicious cycle that we couldn't seem to get out of and then I really messed up. I let her down and unfortunately, it would become a common occurrence.

**XXXXXXXXX**

_June 8, 2002_

_"It starts at 7 and they announce the winners at 9."_

_"I know Bella." I said grabbing up my guitar case. "You've told me fifty million times."_

_"I know Jasper," She said back. "This is important to me though and you've been at the studio later than that all week. I just don't want you to miss it."_

_"I won't, I'll be there I promise. I've got to go now though." _

_"Okay," She said leaning up to give me a kiss. "I love you."_

_"I love you too." _

_I left her standing in the doorway as I rushed down the hall to the elevator. I made it to the studio last and quickly got situated. We had about four songs left to do on the album and we wanted to finish it soon. This one had not been as easy to get out like the last one and these last few songs kept giving us fits. I finally got my shit ready and we got to work._

_"Sorry guys that one isn't going to work. You need to do it again." Malcolm, our sound guy, said through the intercom. _

_All four of us groaned. We'd been at this hours upon hours and for some reason we just couldn't get things nailed down. We thought we had it with that one, but apparently not. _

_"Alright guys let's go again." I said, nodding at Malcolm to get ready too. _

_We played through the song for the millionth time and once again it didn't sound right. _

_Over and over we went until finally Malcolm gave us the thumbs up through the window. "That one was perfect guys. I'll see ya'll tomorrow at 9 to start on the next one."_

_"Thank God," I sighed, standing up and stretching my neck. "That seemed to take forever. What time is it anyway?" _

_"Um...9:45."_

_As soon as the nine left Garrett's mouth I remembered Bella's show. _

_"Fuck!" I cried rushing to grab my things._

_"What?" Peter said watching me dart about._

_"Bella's senior show was tonight. I completely fucking forgot."_

_"That was tonight? Can you still make it?"_

_"No it's already over. Shit, I told her I'd be there. She kept on me about it and...fuck. I'm so dead." I continued to unplug my things when I felt Peter's hand come down on my shoulder. _

_"I'll get all this taken care of. Go home and fix this somehow."_

_"Thanks man." I said with barely a glance. _

_Leaving everything where it was lying I rushed out to my car and sped home. It was a little after 10 when I pulled into the parking lot and parked beside Bella's car. _

_Taking the stairs I made it quickly to our door and unlocked it, pushing it open. _

_I found Bella sitting in the middle of the couch with her head down. _

_"Baby..."_

_She shook her head cutting me off. _

_"I don't want to hear sorry Jasper." I went to say it anyway, but she started talking again. "You know when you didn't get there at 7 I was okay. Annoyed, but I figured you'd be there soon. At 8, I was telling myself any minute now. And when they called my name for best in show at 9 I was so hoping I'd look up and see you standing there. Guess what?" She asked, looking up at me and while I could see she'd been crying the anger was overriding everything. "You weren't."_

_"I know and I'm sorry but why didn't you call me?" I asked like an idiot._

_"I shouldn't have had too. Wasn't it you that told me just this morning I'd already said it fifty million times already?" _

_"Yes."_

_"Then why? This was important to me."_

_"I know Bella, I just got stuck finishing up the song we were doing and I forgot the time."_

_"Well I hope you got it right then."_

_"I did." _

_"Good, at least one of us had a good night."_

_"Bella, I said I was sorry."_

_"I know."_

_"You're still mad though."_

_"Yes I am Jasper. I wanted you to see the things I had done and be there with me when I won." She said moving toward the kitchen. "At least you can see everything tomorrow at the party."_

_Fuck, tomorrow. I closed my eyes as I mumbled, "I have to be back at the studio tomorrow."_

_I didn't know if she had heard, but then the slamming of our bedroom door let me know she had. I groaned and scrubbed my hands over my face Fuck. _

_Walking slowly to our room I reached for the handle just as the door was jerked back open. Before I could say a word a pillow and blanket landed at my feet and then the door slammed shut again, the lock making a defining click. _

_I stood there for a few minutes before sighing and bending down, picking up my bedding for the night. I went and made my bed up on the couch. It was comfortable most of the time, but knowing the reason I was sleeping there made it the lumpiest thing ever. _

_I never got to sleep and when the sun peeked through the blinds I went ahead and got up, leaving the apartment quickly and going on to the studio. I knew the only way to fix what I'd done was not go in, but the studio was reserved and I had to be there. My hope was getting everyone else there early and getting what we could done so I could leave and go to Bella's party. _

_I called the guys and Malcolm and thankfully they agreed to come in. James was surprisingly first through the door and found me dosing on the couch._

_Hearing the door I sat up and scrubbed my hands over my face. He dropped down onto the stool behind his drums and said, "You look like hell man. Bad night?"_

_"You could say that."_

_"Was she completely pissed off?"_

_"Yep and hurt too. I really fucked up."_

_"She'll get over it dude. I wouldn't stress it so much."_

_"She shouldn't have to get over it. I should have been there."_

_"You can't change it now. Get her some flowers or some shit like that and she'll be fine."_

_"Now I know why you don't have a girlfriend." I said, standing up to stretch and try to wake myself up a little. _

_"Nah that ain't the reason. Girls are too clingy for me. I like to just get what I want and get out; much less drama."_

_"That will change when you fall in love." _

_"Not going to happen."_

_I rolled my eyes because there was no talking him around. He was who he was and nothing I said would ever change that._

_Moving over to my stool I pulled out my guitar and started to make sure it was still tuned. _

_The others soon came in and after a quick check for Peter and Garrett on their own guitars we got to work. _

_The song was easier to get than the last one and just after one we had a perfect recording. I was extremely happy about it, since I would know be able to make it to Bella's party. It had just started and I would have to run home to shower, but I could make it. _

_As I packed everything up James walked over, "You want to go get a beer and lunch."_

_"Can't sorry. I have time to make it to her party and maybe make up a little for yesterday."_

_"Good luck with that. Call if you need a place to stay tonight." He said, grinning. _

_I flipped him off, waved to the others, and left him laughing behind me. _

_I made it home just before two and rushed into the shower. Once finished I headed into my closet grabbing a pair of black dress pants and a white button up. _

_I'd just sat down to put my shoes on when I heard the front door open, making me sigh in frustration. _

_I walked out and found her in the kitchen. She glanced over and said a quiet, "Hey."_

_"Hey, I thought your party was until 4."_

_"It was, but it was boring and I talked to who I needed too so I decided to come home."_

_"I was about to head over there. I wanted to see everything."_

_"It's okay you can see them when I bring them home tomorrow." She said and started to walk around me. _

_I shot my hand over to the other side of the door and stopped her movement. _

_"I really was trying to get there Bella."_

_"I know. You look nice."_

_"You're still upset with me though." I stated. _

_She glanced up at me and I hated seeing that her eyes had gone glassy. "Yes, you broke a promise to me last night Jasper. I'll get over it, but I'll need a few more days." _

_I nodded. There was nothing I could say, I'd hurt her and sorry wasn't going to make it better. _

_"I'm going to take a bath." _

_I let me arm drop so she could continue out of the kitchen. _

_As she made it to the bedroom door I said, "I love you."_

_I heard her whispered "I love you too", before the door shut. _

_I had to figure out a way to make this up to her and I needed to figure out a way to do that. Walking over to the couch I flopped down and ran over ideas._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**Present Day**

By the time Bella had gotten out of the tub I'd thought of what I wanted to do and I had spent the whole next week getting things arranged. Bella had still been distant during that time and busy finishing up with school, so I was able to accomplish everything.

When she graduated at the end of that week I'd swept her away for a weeklong trip to a cabin in Gatlinburg Tennessee. I'd told no one, except for mom and Charlie, where we were going. I'd left the phones at home so no one could bother us, and I'd spent the week making up for my screw up.

The trip had the desired effect I'd wanted and by the end of the first day we had been back to the way we supposed to be. We did everything Gatlinburg had to offer, from buying cheap souvenirs to a helicopter tour and everything in-between. We laughed and talked and forgot about home for just a little while.

When we'd gotten back to L.A. things stayed good. I made sure I was home at a reasonable hour each night and we both seemed to reconnect in a way.

And then the tour started.

Bella was with me for about six weeks until she had to return to start the teaching job she'd gotten. Charlotte was also there, but where Bella left; she did not. Since her and Peter had gotten married they didn't want to be away from each other, so she quit her job and stayed with him.

If I was just a little bit bigger asshole than I already was I could say that the things that happened to make Bella leave weren't entirely my fault. I could place the blame on Charlotte for not leaving the tour too. I could say it was Peter that didn't want to hang out anymore; instead spending time with Charlotte. I could even go as far as blaming Garrett for his loner status. The biggest was James though because I did, for a long time, try to say everything was his fault. That the lying, drinking, and other shit was because of him and to an extent it might have been, but the truth was he didn't hold a gun to my head.

I made the decisions. I could have walked away and spent my time alone, but I didn't.

By the time November rolled around things with Bella went from great to bad and soon after we were well on way to landing smack dab in the middle of worse. All thanks to me.

**XXXXXXXXX **

_November 18, 2002 _

_**Hey baby it's me. Just wanted to make sure if you were still going to be able to make it to your mom's for Thanksgiving. I'm flying up on the 26th, call when you get a chance. Love and miss you.**_

_**-0-**_

_November 21, 2002_

_**It's me again. I know you're busy, but could you please call and let me know if you're coming home for Thanksgiving. Also to let me know that you're okay. It's been a week since I talked to you last. I love you**_

_I listened to my voicemail and then dropped the phone beside me. I knew I needed to call Bella, but I really didn't want to tell her, that no I wouldn't be able to make it home. I thought I was and then Felix had gotten us a spot during halftime of the Cowboys/Redskins game. _

_I hated canceling since I hadn't seen her since August, but it had to be done. _

_Taking a deep breath I picked my phone back up and called her number. She answered on the second ring. _

_"Hey Jasper," She said and I could hear the smile in her voice. _

_I shut my eyes knowing that I was about to wipe it off and decided to just get it over with._

_"Hey baby. Um...I'm not going to be able to make it to mom's house."_

_She was silent on the other end so long that I actually pulled the phone away to make sure it hadn't dropped. _

_"Why?" She asked after I finally said her name. _

_I explained what was going on and then waited for her anger. _

_It didn't come though. Instead I heard something in her voice much worse, tears._

_"I'll let Maria know."_

_"Bella." I said with a sigh._

_"It's fine Jasper. It's your job. Can I at least appease her with you coming at Christmas? Or is that too far in advance for you to know yet?"_

_"No I'll be home then. I promise."_

_"Alright."_

_"Hey man, it's time for us to get ready for our show." James said sticking his head in the door._

_I nodded and heard Bella saying, "Well I'll let you go then. Love you." _

_She didn't wait for a response before hanging up and I said, "I love you too," to a silent phone._

_-0-_

_February 14, 2003_

_**Happy Valentine's Day. **_

_That was it. Three words and not I love you. I'd much rather hear them, but what could I expect. I hadn't called in a few days, being busy, and once again not being able to make it home when I said I would._

_I groaned and tried to call her, but her phone went straight to voicemail and glancing at the clock I saw why. She was still teaching and wouldn't be able to answer for another hour. _

_I left her a message wishing her a Happy Valentine's Day too and told I loved her. I also said I'd call before the show. _

_I paced around the dressing room. We'd already had our sound check and there wasn't much to do, but wait until it was time to go on stage. _

_James walked in a few minutes later and flopped down onto the couch. I could feel his eyes following me in my circuit around the room, but he didn't say a word and I didn't acknowledge him. _

_After a few more minutes I made to turn around to walk the other way and had enough time to throw my hand up, keeping the tossed beer can from smacking me in the chest. _

_"What the fuck dude?" I asked sending him a glare as I reached down and picked it up. _

_"Sorry, just thought you could use it and you showed no signs of slowing down any time soon. What's up with you?"_

_I groaned dropping in a chair. "I don't know I just can't seem to stay still."_

_"Look I know you want to be with your girl, but you need to relax or you won't be able to do what you need to do later."_

_"I know. How are you always so calm?" I asked._

_"I smoke a joint maybe once a twice a day sometimes more. Usually more." He answered making me laugh until I realized he was serious. _

_"Seriously?"_

_"Of course, it's not like it's something worse like coke or heroin. It's just pot."_

_"Yeah, but..." I started but trailed off when I didn't know what to say._

_"What? You can't tell me you've never thought about doing it."_

_ "I haven't."_

_"Why not?" _

_"Well because my mother would kick my ass for one and then Bella's dad is a police chief."_

_"It's not that big a deal. It's not going to hurt you."_

_I gave him a skeptical look. _

_He rolled his eyes in return and stood up. "Come on." _

_I sat there and watched him pull the door open and head down the hallway before quickly following behind._

_By the time I made it out of the exit door he'd already disappeared through, he was lighting up. _

_"What the hell?" I asked glancing around._

_He sucked in a deep breath and held it for a few seconds before blowing the smoke out into the air and answering me._

_"Relax Jasper. We aren't going to get caught." He said holding the joint out to me. I shook my head no. _

_"Come on you know you're a little curious and you really do need it."_

_My eyes cut from it to him and back again before reaching up and pinching the end between my fingers._

_He grinned as I put it to my lips and sucked in the smoke. I then went on to hack up a lung while James cracked up._

_"Sorry," He said through the laughter. "Forgot to mention that would happen the first time. Don't pull as much in until you get used to it."_

_After a few more tries I could hold a little smoke in without coughing and we ended up smoking a second one. _

_I had to admit the affect was nice. I was completely relaxed. _

**XXXXXXXXX**

**Present Day**

I wish I could say that had been the only time I used pot but I couldn't. I would go on to doing it daily.

Every time we'd land in a new city James would disappear for an hour, something I'd never notice before, and return with a baggie full. We'd smoke one then and again before and after the show. No one ever caught on and I never saw that I was doing anything wrong. I mean, as James had said, it wasn't anything too bad.

What I didn't realize though was that it was changing me, more than I already had. I was drinking more. I slept more and didn't call Bella when I was supposed to. I was even lying to her about what I was doing each night after the shows.

Instead of being in my hotel room watching TV like I'd tell her I would be doing, I would be at a bar or club and on a few occasions-strip clubs.

When the tour ended over the summer and I went home I didn't smoke as much, only when I knew I would be able to shower and brush my teeth before I saw Bella again. Unfortunately I wasn't able to keep it a secret for long before she found out. And once again I made a promise that I didn't keep.

**XXXXXXXXX**

_October 25, 2003_

_"You guys did amazing." Felix said looking at the four of us in the band and Bella and Charlotte. "The festival was a huge success and we've already been asked to come back next year."_

_I smiled over at Bella earning one in return and pulled her more into my side. The San Francisco music festival we'd just played our last show for had gone on all week. Bella had had school and had not been able to make it until last night. She'd been here today though and I was happy about that. We were staying until tomorrow morning and I wanted to just go back to the hotel with her. _

_As I turned my attention back to Felix I found that would have to wait though. _

_"So now that I've told you that I have another announcement and then we're all going out to celebrate. Starting in April we will be flying to Ireland to begin your six month overseas tour."_

_"Seriously?" James asked grinning. "Cool. Right Jazz?"_

_"Yeah that's awesome news." I said feeling Bella stiffen beside me. I mentally groaned knowing this would probably cause an argument later. _

_I wasn't going to let it bother me right now though because it really was awesome news. _

_The group asked a few more questions before we all headed to a local club. _

_The night started out fine. Bella seemed to move past the news for now and we had fun. We danced, drank a little, and talked with every one else. Bella did ignore James for the most part sticking with Peter and Charlotte, but I knew she'd never gotten around to liking him any so I let it go as well._

_Around 1 Bella came over to the bar where I was and said, "I'm ready to go." _

_"Really?" I asked taking my sixth or seventh shot of the night. _

_"Yeah, I'm tired." _

_"Oh..." _

_My eyes fell on Peter and Charlotte as they walked up. _

_"I think we're going to head back to the hotel man." Peter said._

_"Alright, do you mind if Bella goes back with you guys? She's ready to go too.""You aren't coming?" Bella asked. "Nah I'm going to stay a little longer." I said glancing over at James, whose eyes were cutting back and forth between the two of us. He also had a small smirk forming. _

_Bella trailed her eyes over to him and then huffed. "Fine. Make sure you don't wake me up when you come in." _

_I nodded and watched her walk out the door before turning back to the bar and motioning for another shot._

_"You are in trouble." James sang._

_"She'll get over it." I said without thinking earning a clap on the shoulder as he laughed. _

_When he stopped he said, "You want to go outside for a minute. I think you need to relax."_

_I only had to think for a second before I downed the Tequila in front of me and nodded. _

_An hour and a half later and feeling really good, I stumbled through my room door. I had enough sense to know to be quiet. I made my way into the bedroom, finding Bella sound asleep on her side. She looked so peaceful laying there, the moonlight making her skin glow. I wanted nothing more in that moment than to crawl in beside her but I had to take a shower first. _

_Turning toward the bathroom I took a step and tripped over a shoe, hitting the floor with a loud thump. _

_"Jasper?" I heard come from the bed before Bella was kneeling down beside me. "Are you okay?"_

_I groaned and turned over to look up at her. When I did I cracked up laughing. _

_Her eyebrows drew together. When I showed no sign of stopping she said, "You're drunk."_

_I nodded and held up my hand, using my fingers as an example as I said, "Just a little."_

_Rolling her eyes she reached to help me stand. _

_When I was back on my feet she helped me to the bathroom and flipped on the light. Leaning me against the counter she started the shower before starting to pull my t-shirt off. It got to about my chest when she stopped and took a deep breath in._

_"What is that smell?" She asked glancing up at me and then leaning forward slightly. Are you high?"_

_I did the finger thing again. "Just a little."_

_Her face crumpled. "Jesus Jasper. What has gotten in to you?"_

_"Some pot." I answered. _

_"That isn't what I meant." _

_I shrugged my shoulders since I didn't know what she meant then._

_She shook her head and stepped back. "Take a shower."_

_"You aren't going to help?"_

_"No." She growled and went to the door, slamming it behind her as she stepped out._

_I fumbled my way through getting my clothes off and then washing. Once done I dried off and wrapped a towel around my waist. _

_When I came out of the bathroom a little less high and drunk, Bella was looking out the window. _

_"Was this only tonight or have you done it before?" She asked without turning around._

_"I started while away on tour." I answered honestly._

_Her hand came up to run through her hair. "Is that it or are you doing other stuff too?"_

_"That's it."_

_"Who?" _

_"What?"_

_She turned around and I realized she'd been crying. "Who was it that got you started on it? I know you didn't do it yourself."_

_"It doesn't matter." I answered not wanting to rat James out. _

_"You know what never mind. I don't even know why I asked. I already know it was James."_

_I neither confirmed nor denied her statement, but my silence answered enough. _

_"I knew he was bad news." _

_"No he's not."_

_"He's got you doing drugs. How is that not bad news?"_

_"It's just pot. It's not that big a deal."_

_"Seriously? That is what you think? Well let's call Maria or dad and see if they think it's not a big deal." _

_"Don't go there Bella."_

_"Then you need to stop. I can't and won't do this. I can't worry about you doing something else that's going to hurt you and I won't hesitate to call your mother or dad if you do it again. "She started crying harder as she finished and I quickly walked over, wrapping her in my arms. _

_"I'm sorry baby." I said hugging her to my chest._

_"I love you Jasper and I won't let you do this to yourself anymore."_

_"I know." I said pulling back and cupping her face in my hands. "I love you too and I'll stop. I promise, okay?"_

_She nodded and hugged around my waist again, I held on to her for a little while before we moved to the bed. _

_As we fell asleep I knew I really did need to stop._

**XXXXXXXX**

**Present Day**

I hadn't stopped. I didn't even try really. I'd seen James a few days later back in L.A. and within ten minutes I was high again.

I kept it from Bella of course and was sneakier on when I did do it. I think she saw through me though, since the arguing picked up more and I had ended up on James' couch a few times.

Every time she'd ask about it I would lie and swear I wasn't. With no proof she wouldn't take it any further, but that didn't mean she believed anything I said either. I never realized it and with each lie and swear I uttered I slowly pushed her away.

When I left for the overseas tour in April of '04 things weren't good and things didn't get better once I came home in October.

We got through the holidays and into March of 2005 before everything crashed around me and I finally saw the complete mess I'd made of my relationship with Bella.

God I wish I could go back and seen it earlier though; not when it was too late.

And especially not when my girl had had to suffer for two days with only my mom's arms around her.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**Okay so how was it? I think I've succeeded turning Jasper into a complete douche. I will redeem him in most of your eyes, but not in the next chapter where I make those that, aren't pissed off at him already, pissed off. Just remember you have to crash and burn before the good stuff comes back. **

**I didn't like doing it though because do I love him, but for the story it had to be done. **

_._


	7. Had Enough

_**Disclaimer: I don't own. We all know this. If I did that scene in Eclipse with Jasper telling Bella of his past on the cliff edge would have been so different. In my version he'd have shoved Alice off and Bella would have offered her a Zippo to light her way down. .**_

_**They are 24 in the memory. **_

_**Song for Chapter: Had Enough by Lifehouse featuring Chris Daughtry **_

_**The way this chapter was supposed to go would, I figured, make everyone mad at Jasper. While the first part will probably still do that, the end will probably start to redeem himself in everyone's eyes. **_

**Enjoy and you might want to have a tissue handy just in case. **

**XXXXXXXXX**

_March 17 and 18, 2005_

_Ring, ring_

_I glanced at my phone for the thirtieth time in the last two hours. Seeing it was once again Bella I hit ignore. _

_"Her again," James asked glancing over from the couch. _

_"Yes, god, I know she was pissed I came with you this week, but to keep on and on is driving me crazy. I mean I just left two days ago."_

_"She was probably thinking if she was silent then it would make you change your mind and go back sooner. That didn't work so now she's going to blow up your phone to annoy you." _

_As if on cue, the phone rang as he finished talking. I didn't even see if it was her, instead I just hit ignore. _

_The nagging had gotten so bad since the beginning of the year that I needed a break. I wanted to have fun and I'm sorry if coming to Vegas with James wasn't her idea of fun. _

_"Dude let's just go out. Leave your phone here and that way you won't have to worry about it."_

_I nodded and stood, leaving my phone lying on the couch. _

_We had a blast gambling and drinking. We'd step out into an alley every now and then to smoke. It was a great night just like the last two had been. _

_It was around midnight and we were in the Luxor Hotel when James's phone rang. He glanced at the caller ID and his brows knitted._

_"Who is it?"_

_"Peter." He said. That was a big surprise, Peter never called him. _

_"He probably can't get a hold of you on your phone. I bet your girl got him to call you. I'm going to ignore it."_

_I nodded and hit on 13. _

_We headed back up to our room around 3 and collapsed. Peter had called a few more times leaving a message each time, but James didn't bother listening to it. We were having too much fun to be bothered. _

_The next morning or afternoon I should say, after glancing at the clock, I stumbled into the living room and retrieved my phone. I saw that Bella had continued to call me up until 11 last night, then mom seemed to take over, Peter was there, and last were a few from Felix. I noticed I had new voicemails and for the first time I thought something might be wrong. _

_Not bothering to listen to the messages I dialed Bella's cell right away, but it went straight to voicemail. Hanging up I dialed moms' and she answered on the first ring. . _

_"You better have a good reason to just now be calling me back." She said as soon as she picked up._

_"I'm sorry, we were out. What's wrong?" I said standing up to grab something to drink._

_"Charlie died." _

_All the air left my lungs and I dropped back down onto the couch. "What happened?"_

_"He had a massive heart attack sitting at his desk."_

_"Is Bella okay?" I questioned._

_"What do you think son? She's hurting. She was alone when Charlie's deputy called her. She couldn't get a flight until late last night and then she had to fly alone. And right now even though I'm here she's alone. She needs you. She tried to call you so many times, but she didn't want to leave it in a message. Then I tried. We got Peter to call James's phone and Felix and still nothing." _

_"I know. I'm so sorry mom, I'm so damn sorry."_

_"I'm not the one you need to apologize to. Just get here. The funeral is tomorrow at 11 in the morning."_

_"I'll be there as soon as I can. Tell her I love her."_

_"I will, just know this conversation between you and I is nowhere near close to being done."_

_"Yes ma'am. I'm going to go pack now and go to the airport. Hopefully I can get a quick flight."_

_"I hope so too. I love you."_

_"I love you too mom." _

_I flipped my phone closed and rushed to the bedroom. Grabbing my bag I threw my clothes in haphazardly, not bothering to be quiet. _

_"Dude what the fuck?" James's muffled voice asked. _

_"I have to go."_

_"What? Why? We're here three more days. She give you the guilt trip. I told you not to call her..."_

_"Shut up," I said cutting him off. "Her dad died."_

_"Oh, well could you quit being so damn loud. I'm trying to sleep."_

_I shook my head at his comment, but didn't have time to get into it with him. _

_I finished what I was doing and threw my strap over my shoulder. Not bothering to tell him I was going I left the hotel room. I didn't even bother with check-out; James could take care of it. _

_I hailed a cab and made it to the airport around 2:30. I then spent the next thirty minutes begging the woman behind the counter to get me on the next available flight, but she wasn't being accommodating._

_..._

_"Sir I understand where you're coming from, but everything is booked solid until tomorrow morning. I can have you confirmed on the flight that leaves at 6:30 a.m."_

_"That's not good enough. The funeral is tomorrow morning and I'd never make it in time. Please."_

_She gave me a sympathetic look and went back to her computer, but she was shaking her head so I knew things weren't good._

_"The only other thing is the standby list as I've said, however if someone misses their flight because of a delay our policy is to give them first standby seats."_

_"Please ma'am. I have to be there. I've messed up so bad and I don't even know if my going will even fix it, but I have to be there for her. Please."_

_She bit her lip and watched my face for a few minutes. Whatever she found she finally nodded and said "Let me speak to my boss okay? I'll be back in just a second."_

_"Okay." I leaned my head onto my arms and waited as she walked away. _

_I don't know how long I stood there before I felt a light touch on my arm and a whispered, "Sir."_

_I quickly swiped the moisture off my face and glanced at the older woman beside me. _

_"Sir my name is Sandra. Maggie explained everything. She's going to confirm you on the 6:30 am flight just in case, but then I'm going to walk you through security and to the Seattle gate. I'll speak with the attendants there and have them keep you at the top of the standby list. You will take precedence over anyone and hopefully we can get you out of here today."_

_"Thank you." _

_"You're welcome. Let's get you taken care of here and then we'll head over to the gate."_

_It took no time to get through the booking process or the security line. Once we made it to the gate Sandra spoke with the attendant who assured both of us she would make sure I was first on the list all day. _

_Once that was out of the way I planted myself in a chair and tried to call Bella again. The phone picked up on the second ring, but only her breathing could be heard. _

_When she didn't say anything I said, "Bella I'm so sorry. I'm at the airport now. Baby, I'll be there as soon as I can."_

_"I needed you yesterday." She said in response, her voice breaking at the end. _

_"I know. I'm so sorry."_

_"Sorry isn't going to make it better."_

_"I know." _

_I could hear her crying softly and I hated myself, knowing that it wasn't just Charlie that was making her cry._

_After about five minutes she spoke again. "I need to go, there are a few more arrangements I need to take care of before the viewing tonight."_

_"Alright. I'll call when I'm about to board, but you can call if you want to talk before then."_

_"Will you answer?"_

_I fought tears as I said, "Yes. I love you Bella."_

_"You too." Was all she said before hanging up. _

_I flipped my phone closed feeling like complete shit and prayed with everything I had that the next flight would be the one I'd be on. _

_-0-_

_March 19, 2005_

_"Fucking hell," I groaned glancing at the clock in the dash and seeing it was already 9:00. _

_All the praying yesterday had not gotten me on a flight until 3:30 this morning and I still had a half hour before I made it to Forks. _

_Mom had already called this morning wanting to know where I was and she'd not been happy with me. I could only imagine how Bella felt since she wouldn't even answer my call. _

_I finally, after what seemed like forever, pulled into Charlie's driveway. My mom's car was the only one there and I quickly rushed inside, finding her in the kitchen and drinking a cup of coffee. _

_She looked up as I stopped in the doorway._

_"Go take a shower."_

_"Is she...?"_

_"No. She's already gone to the funeral home. I told her I'd wait for you and then we'd be there. Hurry up; I don't like leaving her by herself."_

_"Was it bad last night at the viewing?"_

_"It's been bad since she found out. You'd know that if you had been with her." She said as a tear rolled down her cheek._

_"Mom?" _

_"Go shower. We'll talk later and believe me we have a lot to talk about. Bella told me some things we need to set right, but right now is not the time."_

_"Yes ma'am." I said, turning toward the stairs and then remembered I had nothing appropriate to wear._

_Angling my body back toward the kitchen I said, 'Mom..."_

_She cut me off. "Your suit is hanging in her room. Even in her grief she though of you. Now hurry."_

_I nodded and raced upstairs. If I hadn't thought I could feel worse everything my mother said proved me wrong. _

_I quickly showered and dressed, going back downstairs when I was done. Mom was waiting for me by the front door and silently we went out to her car, driving the short distance to the funeral home. There were a few regular cars and many police cars already there. _

_We walked in the front door and found cops in full dress uniforms standing around quietly talking. Mom smiled at a few before moving further into the room and toward a side room. _

_As soon as we turned the corner I found Bella, standing beside the casket that held her father. I had to fight tears as I took in her tear stained face. Her eyes were puffy and she had a sad smile as she talked to Deputy Mark, Charlie's main deputy, who stood beside her. _

_As if sensing my gaze her head lifted and caught my eyes. She crumpled and I rushed over, taking her in my arms. Her tiny hands gripped the front of my jacket as she sobbed into my chest and I couldn't stop my own tears from coming. _

_No one bothered us for a long time as we stayed like we were. Bella's cries tapered off, but she continued to hold me to her and I don't think I could have let go even if I wanted too. _

_What seemed like hours later a throat cleared softly followed by a male voice. "Ms. Swan, it's time if you're ready." _

_She nodded and pulled back, wiping her eyes with a tissue. "Yes. I'm as ready as I'll ever be."_

_I wrapped my arm around her waist, feeling her lean against me as we made our way out of the room and into the chapel. It was completely full and at standing room only. More police officers than I could count took up most of the back wall, sides and a few pews. The rest were filled with people from town. _

_Bella and I walked slowly down the middle aisle and found my mother in the front row. Bella slid in beside her and quickly took her hand. I sat down and put my arm around the back of her shoulder, holding her close to my side. Soft music played in the background and I recognized it as a song Charlie liked. _

_After a few minutes the music stopped and I heard the doors in the back open. Bella took a ragged breath and I pulled her even closer. _

_She didn't look up as the coffin was carried past by six officers, nor did she when they fixed the American flag at one end and opened it. Only when the reverend started speaking did she look up and she had to stifle a sob behind her hand. _

_I rubbed her shoulder in comfort and glanced at my mom, who had her own tears running down her face. _

_The funeral was simple just like Charlie was. Reverend Weber spoke about his love for Bella. His dedication to keeping the town safe and his love of fishing and sports. Deputy Mark said words about the kind of boss he was. The Reverend asked if Bella wanted to say a few words, but she'd shaken her head no, too choked up to talk at all. _

_Reverend Weber said a prayer and then we followed the casket out into the weak sunlight. _

_The drive to the cemetery was silent. Bella sat with her head leaning against the window of her rental car while mom followed behind us in her car. _

_Once everyone had gathered around the grave more words were spoken and then taps were played. A 21 gun salute followed, making Bella jump each time the shots when off. _

_When they folded the flag and Deputy Mark handed it to her, saluting her afterwards she broke even more. Her body drew in on itself as she hugged the flag to her chest. The tears and sobs tore from her body in heaving gasps and I'd never felt more helpless. _

_No other words were spoken, the silence only broken with the quiet crying of others and Bella as they lowered Charlie's casket. _

_The crowd dispersed soon after, to head over to his home, my mom went as well, leaving Bella and I by the grave. _

_We sat there for an hour before she finally stood. _

_The drive back was just as silent as it had been over there. _

_The rest of the day passed with sympathetic wishes, small anecdotes about Charlie, hugs, and thank you for comings. I stayed by Bella's side. I made sure she ate something even though it was just a small triangle half of a sandwich. _

_Around 4 the last person left and Bella slowly climbed the stairs to her room. I followed, leaving mom in the kitchen straightening up. _

_I sat on the end of Bella's bed as she changed out of her dress into a pair of sweats. When she came over I kicked off my shoes and we crawled under the covers, facing each other. I brushed her hair off her face and wiped the tears off her cheeks. _

_I don't know how long we lay there before her eyes started to grow heavy. She leaned forward and brushed her lips lightly against mine. _

_When she pulled back she said, "I love you."_

_"I love you too." I replied, pulling her tight to my chest. _

_I closed my eyes and drifted off soon after. I would realize later that it was the only thing she'd said to me all day. _

_-0-_

_March 20, 2005_

_I groaned and rolled over, feeling for Bella but coming up with an empty bed. Popping my head up I found the sky just starting to lighten and I wondered where she'd gone. _

_Slipping out of the bed I made a stop at the bathroom before going downstairs. I found only mom in the kitchen, sitting at the table with her hands wrapped around a cup of coffee._

_"Where's Bella?" I asked. _

_"Sit down Jasper." _

_"Mom?" I questioned a feeling of dread settling into the pit of my stomach. _

_"Sit down."_

_I walked slowly in the room and lowered myself into the chair across from her. _

_She was quiet for a few second before she started talking. _

_"When you got your music contract I was so proud of you. I would tell anyone who'd listen that you were a big celebrity. I would tell them that not only did you have an amazing career, but that you were lucky enough to find a woman who loved you more than anything else in this world. I wish I could say I was still proud. _

_"Bella told me some things two days ago that shocked the hell of me. Things that I would have sworn my son wouldn't do, if it had been anybody else that said those things because I didn't raise you that way. I knew Bella wouldn't lie about them though. She told me about the pot smoking and the drinking. About the way you were different after hanging out with that James and about the arguments. _

_"She told me about how you'd broken your promises so many times and how she didn't know what to do to make you see how damaging it was to your relationship. She told me how she'd begged you not to go to Vegas and that you still went anyway. _

_"After hearing all of that and as much as it pained me to ask her I questioned why she continued to live that way. And you know what her answer was?"_

_I shook my head quickly when she looked up and she continued. _

_"Because she loved you. You were the only one she could ever see in her future. That no one else would compare to the Jasper that she fell in love with. She knew your career made you happy and she wouldn't take that away from you. But then she said something that broke my heart and in turn I think hers too." _

_"What...?" I started but had to stop to choke down the lump that had formed in my throat. "What was it?"_

_"That she wished you felt the same. That she didn't think she wasn't as important to you as your career was."_

_"She is. Mom you know she is."_

_"I thought I did Jasper. Are you still smoking pot and don't lie to me like you did Bella?"_

_"Yes." _

_"Then how can you say she is?"_

_"I'll stop. I'll quit everything. I'll fix it."_

_"I wish it was that easy son. It's too late though."_

_"No it's not. Where is she?"_

_"She's gone Jasper. I'm sorry honey." _

_"No, where did she go?" _

_"She left for the airport after you fell asleep yesterday. She was going to your apartment and getting her things. Other than that I don't know what her plans were."_

_I shot out of my chair and ran up the stairs, tripping over the last step in my haste. Slamming into her room I grabbed my phone off the table by her bed and hit her speed dial. It didn't even ring going straight to voicemail._

_As I left the first of many messages I grabbed my bag._

_**Baby please call me back or stay at the apartment. Please. I can't lose you. Please just wait so we can talk. I love you so much. Please. **_

_As quickly as I made it upstairs I was back down and heading out the front door. Mom was still in the kitchen and she said a quick 'be careful,' as I went. _

_I fell into my rental and then I drove. I passed through Seattle not wanting to deal with the airport at all. As I went through Washington and Oregon I tried over and over again to call her. She never picked up. I tried texts and they went unanswered. _

_Many, many hours later I pulled to a stop in front of my complex. I didn't see her car, but I prayed that while I ran into the building telling myself I had only missed it. That she was waiting. _

_Slamming into the apartment I barely noticed the books missing from the bookshelf as I rushed to our bedroom. _

_The closet door was open and the light was on, showing me her missing clothes. My eyes swept the room, knowing she wasn't there, but I couldn't stop them. They landed on her dresser and an envelope with my name on it. _

_Walking over I ripped it open barely missing the letter inside. As I pulled it out I stumbled back until I hit the wall and I let myself slide to the floor as I began to read:_

_Jasper,_

_It kills me to write this. It kills me to do it this way, but I can't face you. I can't stand in front of you and tell you that I've finally had enough. That I can't live the way I am anymore. I love you Jasper, god do I love you, but sometimes it's not enough. _

_My heart can't take being broken anymore. I haven't been sleeping well or eating. It's not healthy for me to keep doing this to myself over and over again. My students and coworkers had even started to notice. _

_I thought we were living a fairytale and you were my Prince Charming, but I've learned life isn't a fairytale. It's harsh and unforgiving sometimes. I tried so hard to overlook everything, all the lies and broken promises and for a while I did because I loved you. I still love you and I will love you forever. I have to love myself too though. I have to let you go to do that even if it breaks me completely. I have to find myself again. I have to find that girl that doesn't wait at home alone wondering if you're going to call, the one that doesn't reach for you at night only to find that you aren't there, the one that doesn't struggle daily with asking you to give up your career because she knows it makes you happy, and the one that didn't stop painting and drawing because it wasn't enough to take away the hurt she was constantly feeling. _

_I don't blame you completely Jasper. I can't because I am to blame too. I let it get this far, but I was so afraid if I pushed you into talking about things then it would just end up pushing you away anyway. _

_I know that you will say it wouldn't have, but by the time things got bad you had changed. You weren't the same boy I fell in love with. The one that gave me a flip book so I'd talk to him. The one that promised me on prom night that he'd always be there. The one I thought would come home one day, get down on his knee, and ask me to be his wife. The one that would be there when I had his children and the one that when we were eighty years old would still look at me with love shining in his eyes. But you lost him months ago. _

_And where I have to find myself so do you. Please let me go like I'm letting you go. Please don't call me because it will be too hard to not answer. I know I will break down and come running back to you. No matter how much we both want that we won't be able to do what we need to do. We need to get back to the two people we were before. We have to be them again before we could work through anything else. _

_Maybe we'll find our way back to each other one day. Fate stepped in once, in an amazing way, when I made the decision to move to Forks. I pray it happens again because you will always own my heart, but we have to go down the path it chose this time even though we know it's going to be hard. _

_I will miss you every day, I will think about you all the time, and I will never stop loving you. I have to go now because you're on the way. You called a few times and I did listen to your messages, but I can't wait and I'm so sorry. _

_It would be worse than answering the phone. _

_I love you and please be safe._

_Love always, _

_Bella_

**XXXXXXXXX**

**Present Day**

I refolded the letter and placed it back in the box as I finished reading it for the millionth time. The two months following that night were the hardest I'd ever had to go through.

I'd not done what Bella had asked; instead I did everything I could to find her. I called every hour, every day until a message told me her phone number was no longer in service. I called her school only to find she'd left her position. I called and begged mom for anything, but all she said was she'd talked to her once and Bella had not said where she was.

I talked to Peter who said Bella had called to tell them goodbye, but that was it. I ignored everyone else; James especially.

I knew that if I gone around him, in the state of mind I was in at the time, pot would have been the last thing I would have wanted. I would have gotten him to find me something harder and I wouldn't have stopped until it killed me. I stayed strong though and never smoked another joint to this day.

When Felix started calling I knew that while my relationship was over I still had a job that needed to be done, even if it held no joy for me anymore.

It kept me busy though and for brief moments of each day I could forget. We'd started working on our last contracted album in August of '05. I would arrive at the studio at the last possible minute and as soon as we were done for the day I would leave as quickly as I could. I continued to ignore everyone. James was put off I could tell and for a while he was smart enough to keep his mouth shut.

It all blew up though. It was bound to happen when I made the decision I did.

While I had been working to get the last album out I'd started thinking about what Bella had written in the letter. How I'd lost the man I had been and what it would take to get back to him. I'd always gone back to one thing, where it all started to go wrong. As soon as I figured it out the choice I made wasn't a hard one.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_October 19. 2006_

_"So Jasper why have you called this meeting?" Felix asked as the guys settled around the table. _

_I decided to cut right to the chase. "When my contract is up next month I will be leaving the label." _

_"I see." Felix said before turning to Peter, Garrett, and James. "You three can go. I'll let you know what's going to happen later."_

_Peter and Garrett showed no signs that what I said bothered them. James, however, was livid and I knew that I would have to deal with him later. _

_When the door shut behind them Felix sighed. "I wish I could say I'm surprised about you decision, but I'm not. I saw it coming after Bella left."_

_"I'm sorry. I know you gave me a chance and I'm turning my back on you and the guys."_

_"The guys will survive. I think James will give you a hard time, but the other two will understand and I will do what I can to find them something else. As for me, you aren't turning your back. I've been in this business a long time. I've worked my way up from the bottom and I've seen men let themselves drown in everything from drugs, to women, to alcohol. The difference between them and you is they didn't see it until they'd lost everything, their money, their families, their minds, or in some cases their lives." _

_"I feel like I've lost everything."_

_"Because to you that is what Bella was. She was what made you happy. She was what kept you from getting further into something you couldn't get out of. I hate that it took her leaving before you saw that but you still have a chance. She isn't gone for good unless you let her be gone. She's still out there and when you get back to the man you and her both remember you can find her. I have no doubt it will work out when you do." _

_"Thank you...for everything."_

_"You're welcome Jasper. I hope to see you again after we go our separate ways. Do you have plans for that time?"_

_"I'm going back to school. Finish out my last year and become the teacher that I was going to be."_

_"Good," He said standing up and holding out his hand. "If you ever need anything don't hesitate to call me."_

_"I won't." I said as we shook hands. _

_He gave me a nod and a smile before leaving the room. I followed behind soon after and walked out onto the sidewalk. Peter was waiting for me, leaning against the wall, but so was James. _

_As soon as I was in sight he was in my face. _

_"What the fuck are you doing?" He spat. _

_"Fixing my life." _

_"What the fuck ever. You're letting that bitch dictate your life still. She's gone and she's not coming back. Move the fuck on. She was just a piece of ass that should have been kicked out a long time ago."_

_I let him finish and then I planted my fist in the middle of his face, breaking his nose on impact. As he dropped I leaned over and jerked him up back up by his shirt. _

_"Don't you ever fucking talk about Bella like that again. You stay the hell away from me for these last few weeks and you keep your fucking mouth shut. I hear anything that sounds like her name or something about her pass your lips and I will not hesitate to fuck you up. Do you understand me?"_

_He only nodded his head and I pushed him away from me. _

_Turning around I found Peter grinning from ear to ear. _

_"Come on man, let's go grab some lunch."_

_I smiled in return and we walked off down the sidewalk._

**XXXXXXXXX**

**Present Day**

When Peter and I had walked away that day it would be the last time I would see James. My contract expired a few weeks later and I didn't look back or regret the decision to leave that life behind me. I started school that January and finished my teaching degree by the end of the summer semester. I decided to stay in L.A. to teach at a local high school and I became close with Peter and Charlotte. I was in the waiting room when their twin boys, Micah and Marcus, were born five months after I left New Age.

They helped me bring back a piece of myself that I'd forgotten about. I was laughing more and spending time out of the house. I had been doing well and was to the point that I wanted to see if I could find Bella again. I still loved her completely and would do what I had to to get her back to me.

Peter and Charlotte encouraged me and on a whim one September afternoon I googled her name. I was so surprised when the first site that popped up was an art gallery. I believed it was fate that the gallery was in L.A., that Bella was the spotlight artist for the week, and that the showing started in two days time.

I decided to go on opening night. As I walked toward the building, a few hours before the show started she'd walked out on the sidewalk and stopped me in my tracks.

She was just as beautiful as she'd always been, her hair was a little shorter, but I liked it. She was smiling as she looked behind her at the door and the man that stepped out of it.

I'd stood there and watched her hug him, give him a kiss on the cheek, and then they'd walked away from me, with their arms around each other. She never knew I'd been there or that I had returned the next afternoon.

Fate had rammed her fist down my throat that night and I still haven't gotten over the pain of knowing I'd lost Bella for good.

It was why I did what I did every Saturday night. It was why I pushed myself up off the floor now and walked slowly down to my office, pushing open the door and flipping the light on. The last item wouldn't fit in the box and it was the only one I looked at every day, but tonight was the only night I let the memory of when I got it pass through my head.

**XXXXXXXX**

**Okay so how was it and who is still with me? I promise to make it all better. :)**

_._


	8. What Hurts The Most

_**Disclaimer: I don't own. We all know this. If I did that scene in Eclipse with Jasper telling Bella of his past on the cliff edge would have been so different. In my version he'd have shoved Alice off and Bella would have offered her a Zippo to light her way down. .**_

_**Bella would be 27 here and Jasper would be 26. **_

_**Song for the Chapter: What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts  
**_

**XXXXXXXXX**

_September 28, 2007_

_"Maybe it's not how it seemed." Charlotte said trying to make me feel better. _

_I'd come over after I'd dragged myself off that sidewalk last night and told them about seeing her. Since then they'd done everything they could to explain the guy away. They'd said he was just a friend, or was gay, or a fellow artist. Nothing mattered though. _

_I could still see the smile on her face and the way she'd looked at him. I could still see the kiss she'd placed on his cheek and the way they held on to each other as they'd walked away. He wasn't just a friend. She was happy. _

_"Jasper go back today. Talk to her."_

_"I can't. What if it caused a scene? I can't ruin something else in her life."_

_"You can't let her go without a fight either. You still love her." _

_"I know I just..."_

_"No, Jasper you need to talk to her. If it doesn't go the way you want we'll be here." Charlotte whispered. "But you can't not do anything."_

_I finally nodded, knowing that I couldn't just let her go now that I'd found her again. _

_As I dressed to go to the gallery later I thought about the guy. If it came down to a fight I knew I probably wouldn't win. He was a big guy and would tower over me by several inches if we stood beside each other. Add to the fact he was built like a brick shithouse made him someone I really didn't want to deal with. _

_Walking down the sidewalk again toward the gallery I prayed that things would go okay. That she would at least listen to what I had to say and I wouldn't get my ass kicked. _

_Stopping at the door I looked through the glass. There were quiet a few people standing around, but Bella wasn't one of them and neither was the guy she'd been with. _

_It didn't mean she wouldn't show up later though so I couldn't leave. Taking a deep breath I pulled the door open and stepped inside._

_Glancing around I was able to find her paintings quickly. There were about twenty in all and were lined up down the back wall. _

_I started at one end, planning to work my way down, and took in the first one. It was just colors all swirled together, but it was beautiful. She was still so damn talented and it made a rush of happiness sweep through me. At least she'd found that joy again. _

_I was on the sixth painting when I stopped, the air in my lungs rushing out in a gasp of air. Where the other five had been color upon color and never having a defining shape, this one did. This one was of a place I recognized, a place Bella and I had went often and spent a lot of our summers. She'd captured the beauty of La Push beach perfectly. The cliffs, the sand, the ocean, and the clouds that never seemed to go away were there and I lost myself in the last time we'd been there. _

_I snapped from the past as a woman walked up and spoke, "It's beautiful isn't it?"_

_"Very." I said swallowing thickly. _

_The woman smiled and held out her hand. 'I'm Melanie, the owner of the gallery."_

_"Jasper," I said reaching my hand over to shake. _

_We stood there in silence for a few moments before I asked, "Do you know if there is a story behind this one?"_

_"There is. I wish Bella was here to tell you though. I don't know if I'll be able to do it justice."_

_"Will she be in later? I can wait."_

_"I'm afraid not."_

_My heart sank. "Oh, I figured being the spotlight artist she'd be here all week."_

_"Usually they are, however, Bella was a last minute move up though. The artist for this week pulled out at the last minute and since we already had Bella's pieces for next week's spotlight we went ahead with her. Unfortunately she had a prior commitment this week and had to fly back home this morning."_

_"She doesn't live in L.A.?"_

_"She used too, moved out of state a few years ago. I can't say where, privacy policy."_

_"I understand. How did you find her though if she isn't local anymore?' _

_"My husband. He was at an art show in Chicago last month. He met her boyfriend who took him to Bella's booth and introduced them..."_

_I quit listening as soon as boyfriend left her mouth, my worst fear was confirmed and I needed to leave. _

_I turned to get out of there, but a hand on my arm stopped me. "Did you want to hear the story?"_

_I debated for a moment and then finally with a sigh I nodded. _

_She didn't notice my hesitation and went on to break my heart a little more. "Bella said it was a beach near her home in Washington. She said it was special, that it held some of the best memories of her teenage years. She would go there with the boy she loved and they would spend the whole day. It never matter what the weather was like either. She would take her sketch pad and he'd take his guitar. They'd build a fire and just enjoy being together. She said that her favorite nights were the ones where they'd cuddle up under a blanket and watch the sunset." _

_"What happened to the boy?" I asked as soon as she had finished talking._

_"You know I asked Bella that. All she would say was life." _

_I nodded and came to a decision. "I want to buy it."_

_"Of course. If you'll step over here we'll fill out the paperwork. We usually wait until the end of the week to deliver them.""That's fine. As long as I get it."_

_"Yes sir." She said sliding the paper over to me. _

_As I filled out the paper with a shaky hand I knew that while the painting would be mine, I didn't want Bella to know. I didn't want her to think about what I did when she thought about the painting. I wanted her to remember those days when I was just a boy and she was just a girl and we cuddled under a blanket; not the way we'd ended up. _

_I would remember though. I would look at it everyday and it would be another reminder that I had messed up the best thing in my life. _

_Signing my name to the bottom and handing over my credit card I said, "If she asks who bought it, please tell her I wished to remain anonymous." _

_"Yes sir." Melanie said giving me a confused look, but she didn't question my words. She handed me my receipt and wrote something down on the top of my paperwork. "Our delivery man will have it at your home next Monday morning by 11."_

_"Thank you," I whispered and without another word I turned and left the building. _

_As I walked back to my truck I thought about how I should have spoken up and called her name last night. I don't know what would have happened if I had, even if she had a boyfriend, but I'd never know now. There had been so much I wanted to say and keeping quiet last night had been my mistake. One I was going to have to live with from now on because finding out she'd moved on and hearing about the painting was enough to keep me from hunting her down. She didn't deserve me dragging up the past. I'd hurt her too much already and I had sworn I'd never do it again. _

_I don't know how I ended up on Peter and Charlotte's doorstep. One minute I was stepping up into my truck and the next I was pressing their doorbell. I didn't remember the drive over, being lost in the misery of what I'd done to myself. _

_Charlotte opened the door smiling, but it fell away as soon as I looked up with my tear filled eyes. _

_"PETER!" She yelled grabbing my arm as my knees gave out. She sank to the porch with me as I wrapped my arms around her waist._

_"Jasper you're scaring me. What happened?" _

_"He was her boyfriend." I whispered and then I broke. _

_**XXXXXXXX**_

**Present Day**

When I say I broke, I meant it. I'd cried while I told them what happened. How everything was my fault and that I deserved the ending I'd gotten. They'd tried to soothe me and ask why I was just letting go. I'd tried to explain my reasoning and while it hadn't made sense to them; it made sense to me.

When I'd walked out of their house later the next day it would be a few months before I would talk to them again. If I had thought the two months after Bella had left was hard it was nothing comparing to the three months following that time. It was like I'd lost her all over again and it was so much harder. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't go anywhere. I lost my new job and if Peter and Charlotte had been anyone else I probably would have lost them too.

They never gave up though even when phone calls and knocks on my front door went unanswered. The only good thing I could say about that time was that I kept my promise on the pot smoking. I didn't go back to it nor did I think about it. I wouldn't let myself.

The day the painting was delivered was the hardest. I'd hung it up in my office and every minute I'd stared at it, losing myself in each memory that we'd made on that beach, the angrier I'd gotten.

No place in my apartment, except for the painting, had stood up against that anger. By the time I'd gotten it all out, my hands were bloody, my breathing was ragged, and everything I owned was broken, ripped, or thrown into another room.

I'd then found a bottle of Tequila, sat in the destruction that was my office, drank, and stared some more.

When I'd emptied that bottle I'd passed out in the floor, waking up the next morning with a raging headache that I welcomed. For a brief moment the ache in my chest had lessened from the pain in my head. While it would have been easy to lose myself in a bottle everyday I didn't. The pain would always come back eventually and I deserved to feel it anyway.

I'd left my apartment the mess it was until that following Saturday, finally realizing that I should clean when I couldn't find my keys to go get food. That was the night I'd found all the things in the box. It had all been separated up until that point and some of it I'd even forgotten about. As I'd found each piece and thought of the memories that went with them, I'd smiled and cried and for a brief moment I lived in the land of what ifs.

As soon as I was done I'd found the shoebox and put everything together, wanting to relive everything again later. I'd hadn't known at the time that it would become my weekly ritual, but I'm glad it did because I think it was what kept and still keeps me from completely going off the deep end.

It's what made me finally remember how important friendship was and why I'd picked up the phone when Peter called three months later.

You could say it had healed me in a way, but really I'd just learned to deal. I still only had Peter and Charlotte as friends. I had another teaching job that I loved, but that was it. I didn't go out or feel the need to date. I was who I was, a guy living in the past and wanting it that way.

With a toast to the painting I took my last drink from the Tequila bottle and went back to the living room. Picking the lid up I screwed it on and put it up in the cabinet before going back out and packing the items back in the box.

As I slid the lid on the top my phone rang from its spot on the counter. Tucking the box under my arm I walked over and picked it up, seeing Peter's name flashing on the screen.

Hitting answer I put it to my ear and said, "Hey man."

"Hey, sorry to bother you tonight." He said, knowing what I did.

"It's okay, I'm finished. What's up?"

"Charlotte's pregnant."

"Seriously dude? That's awesome. Congratulations."

"Thanks. It'll be interesting with the two tornadoes and a new baby, but we're excited."

"I bet you are."

"Yeah, which is why I'm calling. We decided to have a cookout tomorrow night to celebrate. It's not going to be anything big, her parents and mine, a few friends from her work, and Felix and Heidi. We wanted you to come?"

"I'll be there, definitely. What time?"

"Five."

"Do you want me to bring anything?"

"Nah we got it covered."

"Alright. I'll see you at five then."

"Cool, see you tomorrow."

"See you."

I set the phone down with a long sigh after he hung up. I was happy for Peter and Charlotte; they loved kids. The twins had just turned three and I always knew they'd end up having more. I just wish I could have made that same call to him one day.

I shook my head to clear the thought immediately; it was not something I even remotely wanted to think about.

I turned and made my way down the hall to the bedroom and on into the closet. I placed the box on the top shelf and let my fingers linger on it a little longer than normal. After a moment I stepped away and flipped the light off, pulling the door shut behind me.

**XXXXXXXX**

**Okay so how was it and now who is still with me? I promise to make it all better starting with the next chapter. It will be the last one before the epilogue though. :)**

_._


	9. Fix You

***TAPS MICROPHONE* **

**HELLO IS THIS THING ON. CAN YOU ALL HEAR ME? I HAVE A COUPLE OF VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS TO MAKE. YOU IN THE BACK PUT DOWN THE DOUGHNUT. ACTUALLY JUST BRING IT TO ME AND THEN PAY ATTENTION**

**Okay now that everyone is reading this and if not it will be your loss. Tooting my own horn here. Anyway, my announcements:**

**First:**

**This is the last regular chapter and an epilogue will follow. Currently I'm sitting at 228 reviews. Now we all know that I'm not a review whore. I don't beg for them or hold a chapter hostage until I get a certain amount. That doesn't mean though that I don't grin and squeal a little at each and every one I get in my inbox though. **

**I've decided that because I have such loyal readers and reviewers that I need to reward you guys. The person that gets me to review number 250 will get a one-shot of their choice. **

**Pairing, plot, human, vamp, anything. You choose and then when I post it will be dedicated to you. Or you can choose an outtake from one of my stories if that is what you want. **

**However if you ask me to write Edward/Bella, Jacob/Bella, or Alice/Jasper I will do it but then I will be forced to either a) kill off the first person of those three pairings or b) break them up at the end. :)**

**I'm not opposed to threesomes just as long as those three first idiots aren't involved. Slash is okay too. I've never written it, but I think I've read enough that I could give it a go. No femslash though. **

**I will be doing this from now on with all the stories I finish. Since that is going to happen if you read Senior Year too you might get lucky and get two one-shots. I will be putting this same thing in that chapter update as well; just the review numbers will be different. **

**The one shots will be done before I start my next two new stories. Also along with the two one-shots coming out this time I will be expanding All You Have To Do Is Ask two or three more chapters. I can't concentrate on it while doing full stories so I figured it was time to make time to expand since all of you wanted it to happen. Put it on alert if you haven't already. **

**Second:**

**On my profile you will find a poll and summaries for the six stories I have coming. You all get to decide which two you want to read next. I will put the title and pairing up and you vote for the two want. The ones with the most will be the winners. The poll will up until I finish this story and Senior Year.  
**

**Now I hope you enjoy this chapter and I'm so freaking sorry it took so long to get out. Between the holidays, a sick husband, a sick kid, a sick me, and a major case of writers block I had a little trouble. Things will be looking up for our boy now though. **

**Also this chapter is dedicated to TheUnderStudy who helped with the writers block. Thank you babe and all of you send her one as well by going to read her story This Changes Things and leaving her a review. **

**And if you haven't gone all glassy eyed with this long ass A/N I love you. :)**

_**We are at the present now. **_

_**Chapter song: Fix You by Coldplay**_

**XXXXXXXXX**

The cookout was in full swing and while I was enjoying catching up with Felix, who I hadn't seen since I left the label, I really wanted to just go back home. I knew no one else, except the few I'd already met, but everyone else seemed to think they knew me. They wanted to talk and laugh and hear stories about being famous. I smiled and told them what they wanted to hear, but in reality I just wanted to say it sucked and cost me the best thing in my life.

I was in the middle of having a one-sided conversation with a goober from Charlotte's work when Peter came over, giving me a look of apology.

While the guy babbled on about something or other Peter stopped and leaned his head over, whispering just loud enough for me to hear.

"Get out of here Jasper."

"But..." I whispered back. I wanted to leave, but I also wouldn't do that to him or Charlotte. This was their night.

"You've been here two hours. Charlotte and I both understand. Just come over for dinner one night this week and we're good. Don't forget to say goodbye to her and the boys though."

"I won't. Thanks man."

He nodded and motioned me toward the backdoor with his chin. "They're in the kitchen."

I left him standing there with the guy who still hadn't stopped talking and went to find Charlotte.

She was giving the boys ice cream as I stepped through the backdoor. She gave me a small smile as I went over and gave her a hug.

"Wednesday at 6." She said leaving no room for argument. Not that I would have had a problem with it anyway.

"Of course."

"Alright then get on out of here and be careful."

I kissed her cheek and ruffled the boys' hair, telling them a quick goodbye before going on to the front door.

I didn't pay much attention as I pulled the door shut behind me or walked across the front yard to my truck. I was about to pull my door open when the sound of another door closing behind me met my ears. On reflex I turned my head and all the air in my lungs rushed out in a choked breath.

I knew it was her immediately. I would always recognize her no matter how much time had passed. She hadn't noticed me standing there and I took a step forward as she sat down on the top step. I wasn't going to be an idiot this time.

I took another step and she starting humming. It was then I realized what was holding her attention. My steps faltered and an ache, painful to the point of almost buckling my knees, erupted in my chest. I shook my head and closed my eyes not wanting to believe what I was seeing, but when I opened them again she was still there with a baby in her arms.

I couldn't move and I couldn't think. The pain in my chest was making it hard to breathe and then it just compounded when the door opened again. The same man from the gallery was there and she looked back, a wide smile on her face. He handed her some kind of towel and grinned back.

He said something too low for me to hear and she nodded a reply. As he turned to go back inside his eyes locked on me. I saw them widen and then he whispered something to her.

Her head snapped up and she shot up to her feet. She put one down on the next step and her movement spurred my own. I backed up until my back hit my truck, shaking my head the entire time. I couldn't do this, not when she had a family. I knew if I talked to her I'd tell her I loved her and wanted her back, but I'd never make her chose between them and me. The only way around it was to leave and I started fumbling with my keys, thankful I'd already unlocked my door.

"Jasper wait please." She said.

I shook my head again and jerked the door open, jumping into the front seat and shoving my key into the ignition.

As I turned it over I took what would be my last good look of her and hating that I would never see Peter and Charlotte again unless they came to my house.

I almost got back out when I saw the tears streaming down her face as she rushed down the steps of the porch, having handed the baby off to the guy, but I didn't and sped away down the road just as she reached the street.

My eyes wouldn't stay away from the rearview as I came to the end of their road. She was standing in the middle watching me drive off and again I had to stop myself from going back. I finally let out the choked cry I'd been holding in as I turned the corner and she disappeared from my sight.

The drive home was a blur. Anger and pain were quickly taking over my thoughts and I just wanted to scream.

I was angry at myself and at her. Myself for walking away the last time and not saying the things I should have said; when I might could have stopped this outcome. At her because she'd said I owned her heart. Me and me alone and she'd moved on that far without a thought for me at all. I spent the years since she left only wanting her, missing her with every fiber of my being, and living in a past that to her didn't seem important anymore. It might be selfish, irrational, and I'd probably regret thinking it tomorrow, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind at the moment and I didn't stop the thoughts. Hell I was even a little mad at Peter and Charlotte for not telling me Bella lived across the street. Granted they more than likely didn't know either.

When I made it home I went straight to the kitchen and the tequila. Unfortunately there wasn't enough in the bottom to make tonight better and I turned, walking right back out the door. I decided to walk to the liquor store I always went to and when I got there I bought two bottles. Once they were in hand I trudged back to my place.

As I walked up the stairs I could hear a quiet knocking and somehow I just knew it was her. Why couldn't she have stayed away? I wanted to wallow in my own self pity for a while. Maybe once I had drunk myself into a complete stupor I'd be more inclined to listen to her explanations on why she moved on so easily.

As I got closer though I could hear her quiet tear-filled words and they chased away the anger completely.

"The baby isn't mine Jasper. Please will you open the door and talk to me? Please Jasper."

I felt wetness on my cheeks and quickly wiped underneath my eyes before going up the last few steps.

When she came into view the sight killed me. She was on her knees, her forehead was resting against the door, her left arm was wrapped around her stomach, and her right fist was rising to knock again.

"No one's home," I whispered before she could and caused her to spin around.

She scrambled to her feet and brushed the tears off her cheeks. We stood there in awkward silence for god knows how long and then we both tried to speak at the same time.

"Jasper can we...?"

"Bella do you..."

Stilted laughs came from both of us before they were abruptly cut off and I motioned for her to go first.

"Can we talk? I know I probably don't deserve it with the way I disappeared, but please can we just...?"

I stood there for a few minutes contemplating things. This is what I had always wanted, to talk to her. I already knew why she left me, but I did want to know why she never came back and what she'd been doing all this time. And then I wanted to tell her how I still felt, what I had done, and ask if there was any chance for things to go back to the way they had been. Before I heard or said any of that though I need to know something else first because if her answer was yes than all of it would be pointless.

"The guy from the porch, is he still your boyfriend?"

"Emmett? No, he never was. He's the baby's father and has been married as long as I've known him. I actually met his wife, Rose, first. Why would you think...?" She trailed off and her eyes widened as something seemed to dawn on her. "How did you know I called him that for a time though?"

I sighed and stepped closer so I could unlock my door. As I did I realized something and asked, "How did you know I still lived here?"

She smiled softly and answered, "Peter and Charlotte. They came out of the house, with a couple of people, across the street as you turned the corner. I don't know who was more surprised me or them. After a very brief reunion I asked and Peter said the same as always. I came straight here."

I nodded, thinking I'd have to thank them later if things turned out okay, and pushed open the door, motioning for her to step in first.

Her eyes must have been scanning the room as I shut us in the apartment because she said, "It looks the same. I don't know why I thought it wouldn't."

I didn't know what to say to that so I just set my bag of liquid wallowing down and started for my office. She followed quietly behind me and when I made it to the room I once again pushed the door open and motioned her forward. Reaching around the jam I flipped the light on and I waited.

I knew the moment she saw the painting; her back stiffened and her hand flew her to mouth, stifling the sob that left her throat.

She turned her head slowly toward me and with tears streaming down her face asked, "You were the anonymous buyer?"

"I was. That's why I thought he was your boyfriend.

"How?"

"I'd finally done what you asked me to in your letter. I'd found Jasper again and after talking to Peter and Charlotte I googled you. I was so surprised when I saw the link on the gallery and that you were spotlighted for the week. I thought it was fate so I spent the days before thinking about what I would say and what it would be like to see you again.

"Opening night I was nervous and I got there a couple hours early, figuring if you told me to leave it wouldn't be in front of any important people. I was probably 500 feet from the building when you stepped out on the sidewalk. You never saw me, never looked my direction, and he stepped out right behind you. I stood there and watched you smile at him, kiss him on his cheek, and then walk away with your arm wrapped around him.

"I went back to Peter and Charlotte's house and they convinced me to go back the next night. So I went and you weren't there.

"The lady that owned the gallery approached me as I stood staring at this painting and remembering the times we spent there. I asked about the story behind the picture, like I didn't know first hand what it was about. That's when she told me she wished you were there since she didn't think she could do it justice. I told her I'd wait and then she said that your spotlight was moved up and you already had a prior commitment. That you and your boyfriend had left town already and weren't returning.

"It hurt to hear that, god did it hurt and it's the reason I didn't want you to know it was me that bought it. But I had to have it because it was a time when I still made you happy and it helped to remember the good times before I ruined every fucking thing."

By the time I finished she was openly crying. I didn't say another word and finally she calmed down.

Her eyes met mine again and she asked, "What would have happened if you hadn't thought he was my boyfriend? Even if I had still not been there."

"I'd have found you wherever you were and said all the things I'd wanted to since you left me that letter. I would have asked you to give me another chance, begged if I had to. I have never stopped loving you Bella and I would have shown you that everyday. I would have done everything to prove to you that I was the guy you fell in love with and that that wouldn't change again."

She tried to suck in a deep breath but it was stuttered and when she let it out more sobs and an "Oh God," left her mouth. Her knees gave way and she dropped. On instinct I rushed forward and caught her in my arms, both of us sinking to the floor. I held her against me as she cried; her hands gripped my shirt like a vise and she showed no signs of letting go anytime soon.

Neither one of us said a word as we sat there, things still needed to be said and talked about and I needed to apologize for everything I'd done, but we also needed this too.

My knees finally started to go numb and I had to move. I shifted slightly just to get into a better position, but Bella must have thought I wanted her to let go because she quickly pushed away. "I'm sorry."

"No it's okay, the floor just isn't the most comfortable though. Let's go to the living room and talk."

She nodded and we both stood. She took one more glance at the painting and then followed me out of the office.

"Do you want something to drink? I have water, coke, tea, beer, and tequila."

"A beer is good."

She moved to the couch as I headed into the kitchen, grabbing us both a beer. Coming back out I sat down, leaving about a foot or two between us and handed her beer over.

She took a long pull from the bottle and then silence descends on the room. I really hate it. It was awkward and not us or not the us we once were. Her head was down and she was picking the label on her bottle.

After what seemed like hours I finally said what I should have said years ago. "I'm sorry Bella." Her head came up and I kept going. "I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for breaking the promises I made. I'm sorry for becoming something you couldn't be proud of. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me to be. I'm sorry for the lying I did. And I'm so fucking sorry for making you think you weren't the most important thing in my life. You have been since the moment I saw you sitting under that tree in 9th grade and that never changed."

When I finished she reached over and swept her thumb under my eye, wiping away the wetness before cupping my cheek.

"I'm sorry too. I..."

I stopped her because to me she had nothing to be sorry about during that time. "You did nothing wrong Bella."

Tears fell from her eyes again as she said, "I do because I let things get so far and then I knowingly hurt both of us.

"When I left you I was so angry and hurt that I could barely think. I loved you so much and you took that for granted. I was mad at myself too though because it took dad dying for me to finally realize it. It's something that I wished hadn't happened, but it gave me back the person I needed to be. I spent the entire day before the funeral thinking about everything and by the time I went to bed our outcome, if I stayed, was blaringly obvious. I made the choice that night to leave. I knew when I saw you the next day that it would be for the last time. It's why I didn't talk to you at all. I knew if I opened my mouth I'd tell you I was leaving and you would have talked me out of it."

"But you told me you loved me."

"I had too because even though I already knew what I was going to do, I did love you. I couldn't leave without you knowing that."

I nodded and asked, "If Charlie hadn't have died, what do you believe would have happened?"

"I'd have been there when you came home. We'd have fought and I would have forgiven you like always. We'd have continued with the way we were living until I grew to hate you. I never realized how close I was to that already, but I couldn't let myself feel that way for you."

My eyes had closed as she answered my question. Hearing her say she was close to hating me just about broke me, but it was a wake up call too. I never doubted that Bella loved me even when she left, but if she had left hating me...I don't know what I would have done. Yeah I still hurt today after all these years, but I think that if I had pushed her to that point, it would have sent me over the edge.

Bella's hand on my arm brought my eyes back to her tear filled ones.

After a few silent minutes I said, "You said you got back to the person you needed to be. Will you tell me how? How you got to where you are today, the boyfriend thing, and everything else?"

She nodded and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

"It wasn't easy. When I left here I didn't know where I was going. The only thing I did know was that I couldn't stay in LA. Being that close I would have come back the next day. So I went to the airport and bought a ticket for the next flight out. It just happened to be to New York.

"When I landed I found a hotel and pretty much spent the first week in bed. I was so tired and I just let myself grieve for dad and you and everything else. I knew that I had to get up after because I had enough money to last me a while, but not forever.

"I found a job at the YMCA teaching art to seniors in the morning, moms in the afternoon, and kids at night. It was long days, but that was okay because for a little while I didn't have to think about anything, but painting.

"I was there three weeks when I got a call from my dad's lawyer. His life insurance and pension checks had come in and he needed to know where to send them. The amounts were shocking and more than enough to live off of without ever having to work again, but I stayed at the YMCA. I moved into an apartment and for the following six months I functioned. I went to work and I went home, painting late into the night when I couldn't sleep.

"Then one night I had finished up a class and was leaving. I ended up dropping some of my things right as I got outside the door and a woman coming in stopped to help me pick it up. Her name was Rosalie and she was coming by to see about volunteering. We talked for a few minutes and then went our separate ways.

"The next day she came in as I was starting my last class and ending up being put with me. She'd hand out paint or brushes or anything else the kids needed while I taught. While we cleaned up that night we talked.

"I found out she was 27 and was married to a guy named Emmett. They'd been together since high school and married since college. She was a family therapist and started volunteering because she loved kids. She told me about Emmett. He was 27 as well and a lawyer. She told me how funny he was and how much she loved him.

"We ended up going to dinner after we were done and Emmett met us. He was everything she said he was and they were perfect for each other. It was nice to see them together, but I also couldn't hide how hard it was either. Rose picked up on it right away and asked about what was wrong. I ended up telling both of them about you. To say they were shocked at who you were was an understatement. They actually had your CD's and loved your music.

"After that night they became my friends. I'd go over to their apartment on the weekends, Rose and I would have girl's nights when Emmett was working late on a case, and we just grew closer.

"I'd know them about three months when Rose asked me if I'd ever thought about showing my art in a gallery. I told her I used to, but I didn't think anything I'd done recently was good enough. She scoffed at me and then dragged me to my apartment, pointing at everything I'd done when we got there and saying everything was good enough.

"She gave me the courage to try and I called a gallery. I asked what I needed to do and they told me. I spent a month getting photos of my paintings put in a portfolio and then another month going around to every gallery I could find. I heard it wasn't what they were looking for or they didn't have the space so many times and I wanted to just give up, but Rose and Emmett wouldn't let me.

"I finally got a yes though. They wanted ten pieces from my portfolio and gave me a contract to look over. Of course I took it to Emmett and he deemed it okay. I showed for two weeks, got 60% of each painting sold, and I walked out with only one painting and a really big check. I was ecstatic.

"The second gallery didn't go as well. I only sold three, but I was okay with that because I was still showing my stuff.

"The third is what caused Emmett to become my fake boyfriend. The guy that owned the gallery gave me an amazing contract; three week showing, 20 pieces, and 80% with a chance to have a constant showing if my stuff did well. Rose, Emmett, and I were shocked, but it was too good a chance to pass up. I realized when I dropped my paintings off though that my stuff doing well probably wasn't the only condition to getting a permanent spot.

"He made comments first about how hot I was and I tried to ignore him. Then he started talking about going out and he put his hand on my arm, sending shivers down my spine. I shook him off, told him I wasn't interested, and then quickly left. I went straight to Emmett and Rose's place and told them about it. I'd already signed the contract so I had to still do the showing, but Rose came up with an idea to make sure the guy backed off. I didn't go back to the gallery until opening night and then Emmett went with me. I introduced him as not only my lawyer, but my boyfriend. I hated saying it, but it worked and the owner left me alone.

"It was there that I was also offered a booth at an art convention in Chicago. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity for someone who just started showing their pieces. I was ecstatic and spent the three weeks I was in the gallery doing other paintings, so I would have something knew to show. I only needed five, but it was like a fire had been lit under me. Yeah I had painted a lot before, but that was because it was my job or because I couldn't sleep. This was different. I got that feeling again, that rush from doing what I loved to do and I ended up doing fifteen paintings.

"The convention was in July and Emmett went with me. It was everything I thought it would be. The talent in one building was unreal. It didn't seem to matter that I wasn't a big name like all the others. People still constantly stopped by my booth and told me how good I was. It fed the fire and I relished in it. When I wasn't at my booth I was in seminars or classes and I realized how much I enjoyed learning about new techniques. It got me thinking about a few things and I decided I wanted to go back to school. I had to finish the conference first though before I thought about it more.

"It was the second to last night of the convention when Emmett met, Henry, the owner of the gallery here in L.A. Emmett automatically introduced himself as my boyfriend. We then of course found out he was married, but we didn't try to change how we were perceived. When he told me his gallery was in L.A. I was floored and when I told him I used to live there he got excited. Said he and his wife spotlighted local artist and while I wasn't still local they wanted me. He gave me their card and said either him or his wife would be in touch. He also bought a painting.

"When we got back to New York I started to look at art schools in the area and waited for Henry's call. None of the art schools seemed to be right to me and then I thought about going back to SCAD. As soon as the idea formed I knew that that is what I wanted so I called and spoke to an advisor. I told them how I'd been there before and that I wanted to come back. It was easier than I thought it would be and before I knew it I was enrolled for the fall semester. The only problem was when I found out I had about two weeks to find a place to live and move.

"I hated leaving Emmett and Rose, but they understood and were happy for me. I went ahead and packed up everything and the three of us drove down; me and Rose in my car with Emmett following in a moving van. I found a storage unit to put my stuff in until I could find an apartment. Thankfully that wasn't hard and I had keys in hand by the end of the weekend and then had all the utilities set up the next day. Rose flew back on Monday, but Emmett stayed and helped me get moved in before leaving too.

"I spent the rest of the time before school started to unpack, buy the things I needed for both school and the apartment, painting, and then painting some more when Henry finally called. They wanted me for the last week of September and while I hated taking a week off of school so soon after starting I couldn't pass up the chance.

"By the beginning of September I had every painting done except one. I wanted that one to be the main focus and represent who I was. I let my mind go back to the times I was truly happy with everything in my life and it was the days we spent at La Push Beach. I finished it in a day and then cried the entire night because of the memories it pulled forth.

"I don't know if you'll believe me, but I had every intention of coming to see you when I was here. I knew you hadn't resigned and I wanted to know how you were doing. Plans changed though because I had to come a week early. I'd already told my teachers I'd be off the week after and they weren't happy about it, so I couldn't go back and say I needed to change weeks.

"Emmett came to Savannah and then we flew into L.A. that Saturday afternoon. We had just enough time to check into a hotel, change, go by the gallery and check placement, and then go for dinner; which must have been when you saw us.

"We flew back out the next morning so I could go to class and Emmett could go to work. I've been in Savannah ever since. I do showings once a month, I volunteer at the Boys and Girls Club, and during the summers I work at the art museum. That's everything up until now."

I nodded slowly and absorbed everything she'd just gone over. As hard as it was to be away from her I was glad that she'd been happy. I also couldn't help the small bit of relief that went through me at the fact she never once mentioned a boyfriend or dates. It didn't mean she didn't have them just that she didn't mention them. I didn't want to ask about that right now though. Instead I went with something else.

"How did your friends end up here?"

"Rose. She had just returned from maternity leave and was offered a position at the hospital here. She new pretty much everything about L.A. from me and she took the job."

I nodded again and then said, "Mom misses you."

A small smile turned up the right side of her lips and she nodded. "I know. She tells me every time I call her. I miss her too. And you."

"Then why didn't you come back after that first time?"

"Because of school. If I had come back and things would have worked out between us I would have given it up. I'm sorry, but I couldn't do that again."

"What's different now?"

"I've taken every class I could there and that part of my life is taken care of. It was time to see if I could fix this part."

I sucked in a sharp breath, wanting that more than anything else too.

Before I could ask another question she asked her own. "What have you been doing? I wouldn't let Maria tell me anything."

"Why?"

"Because it would have made it that much more difficult to stay away. As much as the last years have been hard it was still what we both needed."

While it wasn't what I had wanted I could also see that she was right She'd found her self away from me. I had too even though it didn't seem like it at times. Hopefully, if things went how I thought they should go we'd be stronger because of it.

"You never answered my question." Bella said pulling my attention back to her.

I watched her for a few seconds before taking a deep breath and telling her everything. I went over how I was right after she left, how I made the decision to not resign and instead to go back to school. I told her how I punched James and earned a smile for it. I then went on to tell her about finishing college, getting my degree, and teaching. I told her how Peter, Charlotte, and the twins helped to make me smile and laugh. I then told her about the box.

When I finished she whispered, "How do you not hate me?"

I replied with the only answer I could. "Because I love you too much. There isn't enough room for hate."

Her eyes locked with mine and she said the words I'd longed to hear since she walked out the door. "I love you too."

Hearing them I couldn't stop myself from reaching over and pulling her to me. My arms wrapped around her shoulders as hers went around my waist.

I don't know how long we sat there, but eventually she asked, "What happens now?"

That was the million dollar question. While we still loved each other we'd been broken up for five years. I knew we couldn't just pick up where we left off no matter how much we both may want too. We would have to rebuild everything again.

"When do you have to go back home?"

"My flight is in two weeks."

I nodded against her head and laid out what I wanted. "I want to take that time to figure things out. I want to talk more. I want to start over and I want to get back to where we used to be. I want you Bella."

"I want all of that too." She said.

I closed my eyes at her words and pulled her tighter to me.

Again we stayed that way for a while until I finally pulled back and cupped her face with my hands. Using my thumbs I wiped the tears from under her eyes.

"I never thought I'd get a second chance with you. I hoped but as the years went by I was starting to think it wasn't going to happen. Now that you're here I will do everything I can to keep you. I can't lose you again."

"I don't want to be lost again either." She whispered.

"Good and I know where we can start on making sure that doesn't happen."

She furrowed her brow and I gave her smile before moving off the couch.

"I'll be right back."

She nodded and I walked down the hall to my bedroom, going straight to the closet. I pulled down the box and brushed my hand across the top, hoping that after tonight it would be the last time I looked through it.

I took it back out to the living room and set it down on Bella's lap.

"This is where we begin." I said settling back beside her.

Bella looked from me and back to the shoebox a few times. She finally pulled the lid off and I reached in, pulling out the flip book.

I flipped through it once and then handed it to her, watching her do the same.

"I was so worried you would think it was stupid." I said.

A smile spread across her face and a soft laugh met my ears as she shook her head.

"It was no where near stupid. After all it was what made me talk to you."

"Thankfully." I said with a smile of my own.

She laughed again and set the book beside her as I reached for the next item.

We spent the rest of the night going through each memory. We laughed sometimes and cried others as we remembered our time together.

When we finished we sat quietly on the couch, leaning on each other and lost in our own thoughts. While we still had a ways to go before we would be the couple we had been, I knew that eventually we would get there. And knowing that, for the first time in years, I was completely happy.

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**So how did I do? **

**Only the epilogue left guys. **

**Oh yeah here's this thing-**_**Disclaimer: I don't own. We all know this. If I did that scene in Eclipse with Jasper telling Bella of his past on the cliff edge would have been so different. In my version he'd have shoved Alice off and Bella would have offered her a Zippo to light her way down. .**_


	10. I Could Not Ask For MoreEpilogue

**Disclaimer: I don't own. We all know this. If I did that scene in Eclipse with Jasper telling Bella of his past on the cliff edge would have been so different. In my version he'd have shoved Alice off and Bella would have offered her a Zippo to light her way down. **

**OKAY A FEW THINGS BEFORE WE GET INTO THE EPILOGUE. **

**1. Thank you to all who have read and reviewed. If you only did one or if you did both I appreciate it either way. So thank you, thank you, thank you.**

**2. Thanks to my pre-reader Vegatenshi who has become an awesome friend. **

**3. Winner of the one-shot for this story was NatTheHippieChild who has request a Peter/Bella pairing. That will be out along with the one-shot for Senior Year and All You Have To do is Ask after the epilogue for SY is posted. There will also be a mini story for Vegatenshi. That one will start on a Monday and end on a Sunday, so I will finish it all before I even begin to post. Hopefully that will be soon, if not she might kill me. **

**4. The poll for the next stories will run, if you haven't voted yet, until Senior Year is updated again.**

**And last but not least the epilogue did not turn out like I set out for it too. I'd typed up a little and then decided to go a different way. **

**After you read check out the A/N at the bottom to find out why.**

**Hope you enjoy, it's short, but you'll also see why at the bottom. **

**Chapter song: I Could Not Ask For More-Edwin Mccain**

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_**Six Years Later...**_

"Daddy, daddy I'm ready?"

I grinned and looked up as Meghan, my three year old daughter, and Sampson, our four year old Boxer, ran into the kitchen. She was dressed for bed, wearing her Little Mermaid pajamas and carrying her teddy bear. Her brown hair was hanging down her back and showing the waves her braid had made during the day.

I crouched down as she came over, scooping her up in my arms. Her beautiful green eyes sparkled as I plopped her onto the counter and turned to finish getting her some juice.

"Where's mommy?" I asked.

"Changing and getting the box."

I nodded and handed over her juice just as mommy came to the doorway.

"Are we ready?"

"Yeah," I said, setting Meghan onto the floor. I watched as she ran over and took Bella's outstretched hand. I couldn't help but smile as they both looked up at me.

"You coming daddy?" Bella asked, giving me her own smile.

I nodded and quickly grabbed two bottles of water before following my girls into the living room.

As we got things situated I thought about what we were about to do. For the last six years Bella and I had been keeping a box.

It wasn't the same one I'd had, that one had sat untouched in the top of the closet since the night Bella and I had gone through it. I hadn't needed to look at the memories of the past since Bella was back in my life and we were trying to move forward. That didn't stop us from wanting to document and keep the things that were most important to us though.

For the first couple of years we only added. The night we got married, as we sat in our hotel room, we added another item and relived the things that had gotten us to that point. From that moment on every time we added something new we went through it again. That had lasted until three months ago when Meghan had turned three.

Bella and I had been sitting on the floor going through the box, after putting her to bed. We were in the middle of adding the item that had made us get it off its shelf, since Meghan's first birthday invitation, when she had toddled into the living room with Sampson trailing behind her like always.

Her curious little eyes had swept over everything sitting on the coffee table before looking up at us, her brow furrowed; looking so much like Bella it made my chest ache in the most amazing way.

"What's goin' on?" She'd asked.

"Mommy and Daddy are just adding something to our box of memories." Bella had answered.

"Can I see?" Meghan had asked looking over everything again.

"It's past your bedtime." Bella had answered.

"But I not tired."

Bella and I both had had to stifle chuckles behind our hands and then she'd looked over at me.

"What do you think daddy? Should we let her stay up for a little while and show her our memories?"

I'd looked back to Meghan at that point and her puppy dog eyes and bottom lip were out in full force. So much so that there was no way I could say no.

I'd leaned back against the couch and patted my knee, earning a squeal as she shot around the table.

She hadn't made it through the whole box. We'd had to give her a very condensed version of the past, so she would kind of understand why we had started with the thing we did and she'd fallen asleep halfway through the second item or items in that case. I'd taken her back to bed and tucked her in while Bella picked everything up.

We had figured she'd forget, but like all kids she didn't. However, she didn't mention it until the next Saturday during dinner.

We'd taken the box down again and she made us go through what she'd already heard before moving on to the rest.

From that moment on we had a new Saturday night ritual. We'd eat dinner, change into our pajamas, and then we'd sit on the floor and go through the box. Seeing Meghan's face light up with every item was the highlight of my week. She never grew tired of the stories and always looked at each thing with wonder.

For the last three months we had not added anything though. Tonight that was going to change and I couldn't wait until she found out. I could already imagine her reaction and I was looking forward to it.

I brought my attention back to my girls as Bella's hand landed on my arm and she used me as leverage to sit on the pillow, she'd dropped on the floor. As soon as she was seated I lowered myself to the pillow beside her and Meghan immediately crawled into my lap, snuggling as close to my chest as she could. Sampson circled a few time before lying down on the other side of Bella, his head propped up on one of her crossed legs.

"Are we ready?" Bella asked glancing at the two of us. Meghan nodded vigorously in her excitement almost catching me in the chin, but I didn't mind.

Having my two girls with me, reliving a past that I could finally be proud of, seeing their faces lit up with smiles and laughter, and knowing what the future held were the moments I lived for now.

I was no longer broken. I was a husband and a father and as I watched Bella remove the lid of our box I could not ask for more.

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**Now for why it is short and why I changed it. **

**As I was writing the first way I decided I wasn't done with these two yet and that they still had a story to tell. That's right guys you are getting a sequel and where this one was angsty the next part won't be. **

**It will start when Bella goes back to Savannah after her two weeks in L.A. and will go to the epilogue from title for it will be Our Box.  
**

**I will be writing this along with the two stories being voted for now. That will be three stories at once so just bear with me with updates. I haven't decided yet if I will do one at a time like I do now or write all three and update all in one day. We'll see how that goes when I get to them. **

**That's it for now and thanks again for making this an awesome ride. Now go review and tell me what you thought of the chapter and news. **


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